5 AMAZING Things about My Pregnancy...

As my time as a first time pregnant lady is winding down, I've been thinking about how interesting this journey has been for both me and CJ. I'm sure there are WAY more than five things that have been awesome about this experience like how close it's brought me and my husband. 

How my friends and especially my friends who are new moms have rallied around me. 

How my parents are beyond delighted to bring a new line of blood- their first grandchild into the world. 

But the 5 things that were off the top of my head about why this has been such a great pregnancy are more physical.

#1. I really think in the scheme of things that I haven't gained that much weight. About 40/45 lbs total and I lost just about that much a couple of years ago when I did my cleanse of no sugar, no wheat, no dairy, no gluten for 90 days. If I did it before I can do it again, right?

#2. Because I haven't gotten that "BIG" I've only had to buy new bras and a few new tops. I haven't bought one stitch of maternity clothing and I'm 37 weeks pregnant! Remember I also have some of my old "fat clothes" to wear from my pre-cleanse days. So I just wear skirts now- I did size out of my jeans a couple of months ago-we covered that in "It Had to Happen Sooner or Later". But so what that's why God made leggings! Plus it's been so hot in both NYC and still so much in SoCal that I've not needed to don anything more than a sun dress or nice flowing skirt.

These are the Maternity Daisy Dukes I couldn't believe exist!

#3. I've not had the aching back so many women complain about. Sure I had a few days of Baby Bean thinking it was cute to press on a sciatic nerve and that damn near killed me, but at the most I had it for like 72 hours. That's nothing in the scheme of things. This woman at my hypnobirthing class said she's been aching for months. Poor thing!

#4. I haven't had hemorrhoids. I've heard stories about those bad boys and from what I've been told and the research I've done on my own it doesn't sound or look pretty. No sir! I also didn't get the crazy random hair growth in places no woman should be growing hair. I also, fortunately, never had my "inney" turn magically into an "outey" My belly button is as it's always been. Thank goodness.

#5 All of this stuff, even the yucky parts like extreme gas, edema (swelling of my hands and feet), leg cramps, a touch of carpel tunnel, constipation, nausea, crazy-ass heartburn, craving pickles etc...has provided me with challenges that I feel I've overcome gracefully...as gracefully as one can who pees a little each time she sneezes. But I feel like I've earned this baby- does that make sense? Like I paid my dues and the final installment will be when I bring this child into the world in water completely drug free. 

Headlining at Caroline's On Broadway- getting one last BIG show in before Baby Bean arrives

The beauty of all of this is that as a comedian I've got an entire new set- I mean this whole experience has provided me with a ton of new material and a book. And the BEST part about ALL of it is that in the end I'm bringing a beautiful healthy baby into the world. Who already is SO completely loved it's sick.

Just Don't Ask...

There are rules about what you can and cannot ask women. Well, technically you can ask a woman anything. Just keep in mind that what you ask and how you ask it is telling of your upbringing and your level of couthe.

Back in the day the basic no-no's were you never asked a woman's age or her weight. Today those no-no's still exist, but it has expanded to topics like: Is her hair is really hers? (btw we're talking the hair on her head or eyelashes) Does she get botox? Are her boobs real? Is that an Adam's Apple? You guys feel me. You can assume the hell out of someone, but it is TACKY TACKY TACKY to actually vocalize it. 

Now, especially considering my current state of being I think it goes without saying that you NEVER E.V.E.R. ask a woman when she's due- 'cause just like you never know what's really going on in someone else's relationship you NEVER know what's going on under someone's shirt. 

That is because:
a) some women just have bloated days every now and then (Hello! Been there done that!) 

b) some women are skinny, but happen to have "bird bodies" as my great-uncle used to say

c) some women have 1 major "problem area" and it happens to be their belly

d) some women are just overweight and you can't tell period

e) some women have already had a baby and just not bounced back yet- or ever

So the general rule of thumb is: Unless you actually see a head crowning from a vagina you say NOTHING unless something is said to you. Which leads me to believe or at least want to believe that's why so few people have offered me their seat on a crowded subway in NYC. That may be my Texas "Pollyanna" side coming out, but I'd like to think they're not being cold callous New Yorkers, they just don't want to  offend me in case I'm having a "fat day." 'Cause I'll be real, even at 8 months prego I still have days where I look less pregnant and more like I just REALLY like bread. Yes, it's a blessing and curse.

An Orgasmic Birth? Um, Yeah, I'll Have What She's Having!

With the due date of my baby steadily creeping up. I've been inundated with checking things off my MUST DO/ MUST HAVE list. Found a pediatrician I'm in love with. Check. Been accumulating cloth diapers and accessories. Check. Secured a midwife and birthing center. Check. If you read my previous post Apparently Midwife is a Bad Word, then you know my husband CJ and I are planning to go as natural a route a possible with Baby Bean's arrival. That means ideally there will be no hospitalization, doctors, forceps, vacuums, IV drips or needles i.e. EPIDURALS involved. 

I've had plenty of needles in my life for allergy shots and blood tests etc, but is that not the scariest f*#king thing you've ever seen?

Now keep in mind this is my first kid- and I'm still a bit weary. I'm not gonna lie. Since I've not had the experience of squeezing something the size of a small watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon I'm a touch nervous. I do not have ANY reference whatsoever to the pain that will most likely be involved. 

But I really want to go the no drug route for my sake and Baby Bean's. I have no doubt that it will be better for both of us. So I plan to get my relaxation, meditation, and "Hypnobirthing" on... See, I've been doing my research. Which is actually why I had to write about this as soon as I heard about it: Orgasmic Births! (I kid you not.)

As far as I know- none of my friends have had one- at least they haven't shared if they did. But there are women out there who would swear on a stack of O Magazines that they've experienced the sensation of an orgasm while giving birth. That may creep some people out, but grow up- it's not sexual, just as breast feeding your little one ISN'T sexual. 

From what I gather it's just this warm tingling feeling that permeates your whole body and releases the "feel good" chemicals that come with the "Big O". But since it's never happened to me  (the orgasmic birth not the Big O), but fingers crossed it does, I don't know if it's fact or fiction. But IF there is even the slightest possibility that I can feel that much pleasure from this magical but otherwise extremely uncomfortable experience- sign me up 'cause I'm ALL for it. Who the heck wouldn't be?!

But I Have A Baby on Board...Sort Of...

The Art of the "Almighty Contradiction" is alive and well People! I will explain what I mean in a second.

As someone who spends a great deal of time in Southern California- especially the Greater Los Angeles area, I'm not going to lie, one of the best parts about being married or in a relationship here is that you have another person who helps you get from point A to point B a little faster- well at least when you're in the car. That's because much like the standard 2-drink minimum at a comedy club you now meet the 2-person minimum for the HOV lane (or High Occupancy Vehicle lane). My husband, CJ, swears that's why I married him. That and because at 6 feet 4 inches- an entire foot taller than me- he can reach the really high schtuff off of our kitchen shelves.

While those are clearly not the ONLY reasons I married my darling husband I do count them among the bonuses. And I would think being prego would afford me the same kind of bonuses. (I broached that topic a couple of months ago in another entry- Pregnancy Bonuses- Say What?)

Classic example- I LOVE LOVE LOVE that I get special "expectant  mother" parking @ BabiesRUs. (It's awesome! It's kind of like handicap parking cause you get to park right there near the front of the store.) 

I, however, believe the same sort of courtesy should be extended to me when it's just me & Baby Bean in the car ALL THE TIME but esp. when I'm on the highway- not wanting to be stuck in s#!tty SoCal traffic.

Here's my incredibly logical reasoning for this. Were you to ask any of my good Fundamentalist God-fearing Christian friends about it and I should have been able to coast in the HOV lane the day after my husband & I "did the deed". 'Cause according to them I've technically got 2 people in the car when it's just little 'ol prego me right now.

But heck at 28 weeks even my  Pro-Choicer friends would have to agree  there's another living active person in there! So why then does the state of Californ-IA- deny me the right to drive in the HOV lane pregnant?!

Does that not reek of hypocrisy?! Is that not a huge slap in the face  to all pregos in urban areas? Bad lawmakers! Bad!

"Do You Have Sharp Pains In Your Vagina Yet?"

That is the question most asked to me by several friends in the past 48 hours. My first response was, "Um, WHAT?!!" Then when I asked them to repeat the question to be sure I wasn't hearing things I said, "Why was I not told of this earlier?"...Well that answer is simple. If women knew EXACTLY what the physical side effects of being pregnant was the Earth's population would have ceased to exist centuries ago and none of us would be here- I wouldn't be writing this blog and you sure as sugar wouldn't be reading it. My last question on this topic is, "Is there a strong enough Midol prescription to cope with this?!"

If like with prescription drugs someone was to seriously list what actually happens to you when you get knocked up it would read something like: 

Getting pregnant may lead to swelling- not just of your belly, but your feet, hands, fingers and toes. Other side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, constipation, not fitting into your favorite clothes, crying for absolutely no reason whatsoever, unbelievable heartburn, insomnia, anxiety, feelings of "what the fuck am I going to do-ness",  backpain, sciatica, and lastly shooting pains in your vagina!

To be honest I'm not sure if knowing this ahead of time would have prevented me or millions of others from diving head first into motherhood. I mean this is something I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. But I would have definitely had some second thoughts. I've got a decent tolerance for pain, but there are some places you'd rather not hurt- am I right ladies?

So far the shooting pain in my Garden of Eden has not happened yet, but now that I know about it I'm waiting. Just like when you find out from a friend that a character in a book dies- you're wincing with every page turn when it starts to get ominous.

Let's all just keep a positive attitude that even if/when the pain does occur it passes quickly. And it's not something I remember again until I get to tell a newly pregnant friend to be forewarned. 

***So fyi I'm in a contest for the 25 Top Mom Blogs of NY- I would SO appreciate your vote ONLY a 10 days left. You don't have to give any personal info just click the button: http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012

Enough With the Freaky Pregnancy Dreams

I've already admitted that being preggers makes you crazy, but add on top of it the whacked out dreams you can have that make you feel just to the right of certifiable. 

At first my dreams didn't seem to bad. I mean it was in a dream that I first knew I was pregnant. Honest to God within 24-48 hours of conception I dreamed I was pregnant. It's like my body totally talked to me. The subsequent dreams that followed have been about the baby, but have more to do with the sex. I've always dream that I'm carrying a boy. I think that's because I've always expected to have a boy.

≈

It's the weird ass dreams since that upset me. After the first sonogram and ultrasound where we could see our Little 

One's perfect little baby shape I had a dream a few days later that the baby's head and body were the same but my child had lobster claws for arms. I was so upset I woke up crying. CJ had to calm me down. He even got the ultrasound pic off the fridge and was like, "Do you see lobster claws here?" I shook my head "No" and whimpered back to sleep. 

In another dream I was breast feeding my new baby- something I plan on doing and have always thought I would do. But when I went to look down in my celestial state of mommy/baby bonding bliss instead of seeing my sweet infant looking up at me. I am eye to eye staring at my Chihuahua! As adorable as she is and as much as I love her I would never breast feed her! I'm not as cool or brave as that woman in Myanmar who breast fed tiger cubs. True story! While I admit it's a noble and again brave feat 90% of my brain is saying, "F- that noise!"

The last freaky dream was just last night. It really messed me up. I still can't shake it off. I think part of it was spurned by people, including a doctor I saw recently, who say to me, "Wow, you really don't look pregnant." But I know I have a baby in here because I see it on the screen and I feel it moving and God knows I've got the heartburn to prove it. But I think somewhere in my subconscious that makes me think something's wrong. 

For some crazy reason last night I dreamed that I gave birth to an exact replica of my Chihuahua. In the dream one of the pediatric nurses says to me, "Oh, Honey don't worry, just yesterday a woman gave birth to two Shih tzus." Like this was a normal occurrence. So I and had to act like I was okay with this puppy being my daughter. My mom had a really tough time with it, but it was her "grandog"/ grandaughter so she was doing her best to cope. I was even swaddling her and changing her diaper like a newborn. So messed up!

I'm trying to recount what if anything I ate last night that would cause such a raucous in my mind. Sadly, I think it's just some stress and my imagination getting the best of me.


If I'm not alone in the crazy dream boat- please feel free to share.

Green Eyed Monster Monday

For every time I've said, "I don't give a s#!t" - I take it back now. Don't worry Y'all, I'm not having some internal spiritual transformation due to my impending motherhood status that is making me re-evaluate my stance on cursing OR the apathy I have toward over-dramatic people's BS. I'm still good in those areas and have no issue doing either. By nature I'm not a potty mouth so I think I'm okay with the amount I have to contribute to my mental swear jar. Plus, I'm in my 30's which means it's time to cut the "crazy maker's" from my life anyway. (Artist's Way- anyone?)

I currently regret saying, "I don't give a s#!t" on a very literal level right now because I would give just about anything to have one- take one, make one etc... Which is why this very special Green Eyed Monster Monday is brought to you by the letters "F" and "U" cause right now I am SO jealous of my husband and dog I could curse.  I love them dearly, but it seems just like with falling asleep for them these creatures that I adore can do it like clockwork. WTF?! 

Now, I've glazed over this topic a little in my post "All Stopped Up and No Way to Go" and I even dedicated a different Green Eyed Monster Monday to them on this very subject, but that was a couple months ago back when I still thought it was a little funny. It's NOT funny anymore. Now, I'm pissed. Every time CJ or Lealah relieve themselves I get more angry. 

Because that's what being constipated does. It makes you MEAN! Which makes me question with all seriousness a good number of senior citizens' and Rush Limbaugh's regularity.

I wish I was kidding, but a couple of weeks ago when my darling husband was taking one of his marathon craps I lost it. (And by the way how do guys spend half an hour + in the bathroom for that?! Even when I could go with no issue I'm in an out in 5 minutes max. I remember as a kid my father doing the same thing. What are they doing in there? Solving world peace?)

Seriously is it a testosterone thing or do women just think, "I've got too much shit to do (pun intended) other than sitting here on the pot for half the day.") Anywho, CJ's in the bathroom, doing his business, minding his business and as I walked by I just said, "I hate you!" It just rolled off my tongue, like I was saying, "Good morning" or "How are you today?" I don't know what happened, but I couldn't help it. He heard me say something but couldn't discern my contempt so I played it off saying something like, "I found you!" Y'all that is not the woman he married! Deep breaths.

I realize this is part of the process and I've just got to roll, but if this is "our" pregnancy shouldn't we be sharing in all the fun?!

No Baby On Board Here!

Now, before anyone gets alarmed. Everything's fine. The title for this blog is not me alluding to anything being wrong with the pregnancy or baby. So everyone can relax. I'm kind of poking fun at that suction cupped placard that people used to put in their car windows to ward off aggressive drivers. 

Remember how it was all the rage in the 90's? I still think it caused more eye rolls than anything (from me at least). It was like, duh, you're in a minivan and you've got a Teletubbies sunshade- you'd better have a baby on board. Otherwise you're a stoner or just creepy. 

If anything I will probably have a sunshade but I will not be sharing what's "on board" because as of right now I may not even let my kid in my car. I'm serious! Y'all, it's awful! I am currently suffering from "New Car-itis." It's caught me totally off guard as this is something I've never experienced before because never in my entire 30+ years on this earth have I had a new car. In fact, I've never owned a car that was "born" in the same decade I was living in- so I am overdue.  I think that's also why this is SO huge for me and I'm having such extreme symptoms of "New Car-itis". I knew it would feel and smell good, but what I didn't know was that some of the side effects of having a new car include but are not limited to: 

• Being paranoid when someone parks too close to you.  

•  Parking far away from people with crappy cars who you know don't care how hard and wide they open their doors.

• Not wanting any food or beverage (opened or not) in your vehicle. That counts double for aromatic foods that will taint your "new car" smell. 
• Not wanting anyone else but you to drive it- including your husband who's helping to pay for it. 
• And lastly you don't want anyone and I mean ANYONE messy in it.

The last one is an issue, because we essentially just bought this car for the baby. Here's the problem- I just had the realization last night that don't want my baby or any baby for that matter in my new car! Babies are messy, they throw up, they poop and pee all over, and due to their very limited manual dexterity they spill stuff. So without question this child- who is already in line to be one of the loves of my life is going to ruin my 1st ever brand new car! What a conundrum I'm in.

I'm not saying what I'm feeling is "right", but it's honest- that's what I do on this blog. I also realize that I've got several more months to enjoy having this car to myself. I'm sure by the time the "Baby Bean" comes, I'll be ready just to have him or her in the world and I'll give a rat's ass about the car. At least I'm praying that will be the case. Or I can go all "Mitt Romney" and strap the little sucker to the top of my car. Kidding! I'm totally kidding!!!

Ah, The Joys of Little Boys

Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails- that's what I was told little boys were made of...and girls are supposed to be made of sugar and spice and everything nice, right? While I don't believe that applies to all boys or all girls, it was enough to warrant my leaning toward wanting daughters- ONLY daughters for the majority of my life. It didn't help that my younger brother who I adored as a baby (and love very much now) broke and destroyed all of my favorite things and toys when he became mobile. That was enough put me on the fast track for "Team Pink." 

But over the past few months since I finding out I was pregnant I've truly become okay with the idea of having a son. The reality is that it's going to be one or the other. Either way it's your child and you will love it. My husband, CJ, really wants a boy, at least for our first child, then he's open to whatever. The idea has gained more popularity with me as the weeks have progressed and it seemed like every dream I've had about the baby suggests it is going to be a boy. 

However, as of this weekend I'm having second thoughts as to whether or not I can do "the boy thing".  Saturday night we went to our friends house for dinner. A ridiculously fun and attractive couple and their two little boys who are six and three years old. CJ, refers to the younger as a "Putin sleeper cell" because the mother is a stunning Russian woman and the baby one time removed 80-90% of the keys from my husbands laptop in like 90 seconds flat.

I will say this though, for high energy young boys they were incredibly well-behaved, they played without making a raucous and they weren't overly rambunctious. They even sat at the dinner table with all the adults and didn't act up. I was quite impressed- that is until bath time. The boys were upstairs by themselves for maybe 5 minutes while we were getting ready for dessert. When out of no where the baby (okay he's 3 but you know what I mean) starts screaming bloody murder. At first he was shrieking so intensely I thought he was laughing, but his mother assured me (as all mothers know their kid's cry) he was upset. So the husband went upstairs to see what happened. He was gone for about 5 minutes and came back down with this ridiculous grin on his face.

Apparently while taking their bath the older one thought it was too much trouble to remove himself from the tub to use the toilet so he stood up and peed right in the tub. In doing so, accidentally or not (we don't have proof, but we did get an admission), he hit his younger brother on the shoulder with the stream; and while he found it amusing the baby understandably did not. (Can you blame him?)

The mother of the children asked if her husband made it clear to both sons that that was not okay behavior. I nodded in agreement. And the husbands- mine included, for the next few minutes made jokes about knowing that at least the kid wasn't going to be into golden showers. Men are so mature sometimes.

I didn't have anything to say as it wasn't my kid(s) but I did turn to my husband and said, "See, this would never happen with girls!"

Insonmia- Why Am I Your B*tch?

Dear Insomnia,

(readers fyi: I'm addressing the condition, not the woman behind me in Wal-Mart yesterday with the power nails yelling at her daughter Dementia and Placenta to stop fighting.) 

Seriously, don't you have other people to pick on? Like folks who went out on an all night drinking binge and need to be taught a lesson? Or better yet, someone with the flu? Not that I wish them more misery, but I KNOW they were planning on spending the next 24 hours in bed anyway. Insomia, I am attempting to be a productive human being while growing another human being inside of me. I'm not suggesting I deserve special treatment because of my condition, but you should cut me some slack. Because I've got ALOT going on in my head right now and I really really do need my rest.  

Maybe you find it amusing to watch me toss and turn, have hot flashes then bouts of cold. Is it fun to watch my husband get so annoyed with me because he's so ready to sleep he has to go to another bedroom to keep his annoyingly regular appointment with Mr. Sandman? Oh, wait! I get it! This isn't about me at all. You and The Sandman had a falling out so you're messing with his clients. While I'm so sorry this happened I don't think it has anything to do with me. So Girlfriend, you need to a) get a grip and b) let me get my sleep back on.  'Cause I will talk about you. I know you don't want a worse reputation that you already have. You're already attached to that horrible new phenomena that's rumored to making be people act like zombies and cannibals- "bath salts". 

I should clarify that I'm referring to the street drug not the awesome stuff you actually use in a bath tub which has the opposite affect of promoting sleep, calm and well-being.

 Reports are saying after taking the drug bath salts you not only lose you're mind, but become so much of a mess you're up for 7- 8 days straight.



This does NOT reflect well on you Insomnia. While I'm no where close to committing such a violent or absurd crime. I'm getting nasty and you wouldn't like me when I'm nasty. Imagine Star Jones, hungry even after the bypass surgery and having to figure out spinning her divorce from the dude everyone apparently new was gay but her. Yeah, I'm heading toward that kind of pissed.

So let's make nice. If you cut me a break the next time I see Mr. Sandman I'll put in a good word for you and maybe y'all can work out whatever tiff/ rivalry thing you got going.


Sincerely hoping for some ZZZZZZ's tonight,
~Karith

There Are Just Some Things I Don't Want to Know

And some things I do. At the top of that list is who killed JFK-near the bottom, what the sex of my baby is. We have the BIG ultrasound coming up in about a week. It's the one where we can, if we choose to, find out the sex. I am still pretty adamant that I don't want to know. (See To Find out Or Not to Find Out) I'm sticking w/ the same argument which is: how many real true GOOD surprises do we get in life? My friends who have found out the sex of their babies praise me for my patience. Nothing could be further from the truth, y'all. I normally want everything and I want it right now- just like the song. But this is different.
My husband, CJ, is dying to know. He claims he'll be able to tell just by looking at the ultrasound. He's certain of this because he worked in research & development and used to test diesel cell engines where using a sonogram to detect cracks in diesel particular filters was his specialty. Uh-huh, and I suppose looking for a crack in an engine is much like looking for a penis on an embryo. This must be like how his growing up on a farm & helping calves come into the world will be such an asset to my birthing process. (See my Huffington Post article S#!T NEVER to Say to Your Pregnant Wife!)

My argument is this- even if he does find out the sex "on his own" how is he going to keep the secret?! There's no way he's not going to slip up. I'd slip up and I'm a master secret keeper. 

I can hear it already- we'll be in mid-conversation about the baby & he'll say "So, how is he- I mean- she feeling today?" Or on a random trip to Target and I start buying clothes or items that are not associated with the baby's gender I can hear him saying something nonchalantly like, "I wouldn't take those tags off if I were you." Or "I'd hang on to that receipt."

And that'll be great. Just great.

S#!t You Shoud NEVER Say to Your Pregnant Wife!

Not two days ago, my husband and I were talking about our birth plan; I brought up the fact that I wanted to have doula. He duly asked, "What's a doula?"  I explained that she was a cross between a midwife, a coach, a mentor and a super hero for pregnant women. She would be an extra set of hands around during the birth if something, God forbid, goes wrong and she would be there after to help with the transition period of going from no baby to having a screaming, crying, pooping miracle in our lives. I also mentioned that she probably would be an out of pocket expense, as insurance doesn't typically cover them. 
To which my normally super-intelligent husband replied, "You don't need a doula. You'll be fine. I'll be there. I've helped out when cows were being born on the farm I grew up on in Australia." (Insert needle on the record scratch here!!!)  

For the record, I didn't immediately start yelling at my husband. I did stare in silence for a good 5-7 seconds giving him ample time to see if he'd realize his faux pas and jump back in the conversation with a, "I was just kidding, Honey." He did not. And that is when I lost my mind. I don't remember verbatim what I said, but it was something along the lines of, "Are you f*@#ing kidding me?! You're comparing the birth of your first child to the birth of a calf on your farm?! Which also by default means you're comparing me to a cow?! How dare you call me a heifer you cheap bastard! Don't talk to me! In fact don't even look at me right now. I can't believe you!"

Hindsight is 20/20 and I'm certain looking back now, that I read a little more into his comments than I needed to. But I think we all (at least anyone who has been pregnant) can unanimously agree that that was some dumb s#!t to say to your pregnant bloated emotional wife who's excited and somewhat nervous about expecting her first child. Am I right?

I knew I couldn't be alone in this so I polled some of my friends to see what brilliance came out of their significant others un-filtered mouths. Here are some other dumb things husbands/partners have said to the women carrying their seed:
 
A girlfriend who is currently 6 months pregnant with their 3rd child had her husband recently say to her: "Wow your arms don't look as big as usual, since you're stomach is sooo big." He quickly apologized and insisted that she took it the wrong way. Um, how was she supposed to take it?!

Another friend's husband had the audacity to tell her, "I think you need to be back on your depression medication." Yeah, that or find a different man to help her raise her baby.

While expecting their first child a friend's husband said, "Why do you need to read a book about this?" Now that the baby is 4 months old he's constantly coming to her for answers. She also got more gems from her hubby like, "Why are you always so tired?" But the classic came while her head was in the toilet bowl, "Vomiting again, huh?" Gee, what do you think dumbass?

Although she was done with the pregnancy part a dear friend's now ex-husband takes the cake for most obnoxious behavior. While she was breastfeeding this jackass made moo-ing noises. Really??!!

One of my favorites comes from my dear friend comedian Kerri-Louise and mind you her husband is a comic too. While she was in the hospital in labor, and clearly in pain- he says to her, "Stop moaning, people are going to think we're having sex in here!" That's a classic. And she surprisingly still speaks to him.

While pregnant with her second child, one of my best friends and fellow comedian Mary Kennedy had her husband say to her, "You really should take your gay best friend to labor and delivery this time- been there done that." I am pleased to say that he did end up going and they are still VERY married.

But the first place winner of dumb shit said to their pregnant wife goes to the husband of one of my Facebook friends. He said, ‎"I have to go to Philadelphia for this training thing for work right around your due date. Don't worry though, 'cause I'm flying my mom in from Ohio to stay with you that week 'just in case'. But don't worry I'm one plane flight away. Labor lasts for HOURS and sometimes ALL DAY so if you go into labor I'll still get there on time!" Oh, he's a keeper!!!

By they way if any of you have stories or similar experiences please feel free to share! We're all in this together.

P.S. If you like this and other of my blog entries please vote for me as I've been nominated for a Top 25 Mom Blog of NY. You can vote everyday for the next 13 days here: 

 http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012