INS = Itchy Nipple Syndrome

That's right, the INS I'm referring to in the title of this e-mail stands for something entirely different NOW! And it has NOTHING to do with immigration or legalities or insurance, but rather with one of our most precious assets Ladies, well, technically two of our most precious assets.

I'm talking about "The Girls". The tah-tahs, Laverne & Shirley, Thelma & Louise, or as I like to call them my Preciouses. This blog entry isn't about them per se but more about what happens to them when one gets pregnant. Sure they grow and expand- that's to be expected, but what caught me off guard was that they were going to itch like hell. Itchy Nipple Syndrome- the new INS- is serious and it affects more women than we know. Part of what has me up in arms about INS is that NO ONE, not ONE single friend mentioned this might be a side affect of getting knocked-up. Which leads me to my next issue which is that no one has dared to suggest or offer a cure.

I think it's almost cruel that we are letting our sisters down about this. And I'm kinda pissed off that I had to hear about a way to remedy this symptom not just from a man, but two men. And not just two men, but two male comedians on none other than the Blue Collar Radio network on Sirius/XM. I don't recall who one of them was but the other is my dear friend Larry The Cable Guy. In both their acts they referenced using cabbage leaves to help with this uncomfortable and annoying condition. I was shocked! Shocked! But I'm willing to try it. 

My Darling husband, CJ (Bless his heart) suggested that it may in fact just be propaganda from the cabbage farmers to get women to buy more cabbage. Yes, sadly I did dignify his theory with a response. I said, "So you think it's like the dairy farmers and industry who try to convince the general public that milk give you more calcium than other foods and helps you build stronger bones?" CJ said, "Yes, exactly!" (Head shaking). 

All I know is next Tuesday guess who's going to the local farmers market and coming home with a head of cabbage. The only thing is I don't know whether to get the red or green kind. A smart woman would get both and just use the left over for cold slaw. Right?

***So fyi I'm in a contest for the 25 Top Mom Blogs of NY- I would SO appreciate your vote ONLY a 10 days left. You don't have to give any personal info just click the button: http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012

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Creepiest Breastfeeding Ad EVER???!!!

Notice anything odd? Like a full set of teeth?

Those of you who know me know that I am the biggest fan of doing things naturally. I eat organically as often as possible. I use all natural cleaning products- I mix vinegar and water to clean my kitchen and bathroom. I’ve even cut out using any kind of beauty products with parabens in them. So you know this automatically makes me a HUGE proponent for breastfeeding. It’s definitely something I plan on doing as easy or difficult as it may come in the first few days. So in no way am I ragging on anyone who does breastfeed or is trying to promote it. That being said the brilliant people in Louisville, KY who came up with this entertaining albeit CREEPY public service announcement to promote breastfeeding in the African-American community have a major FAIL on their hands. It’s not ‘cause the kid isn’t cute- she is- even though she is talking. (Which happens to be a HUGE creep factor for me. Babies talking, dancing, doing tricks etc…freak me the f*ck out almost as badly as clowns.

 So you know watching Ally McBeal back in the day took real effort on my part- but that’s an entirely different blog entry.) I’ve captured a still photo from the video, but you MUST click on this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyvom56bzuw&feature=player_embedded to truly appreciate the creep factor. A baby with Hollywood veneers talking about getting her breast milk on. My nips ache just thinking about it.

Yes, I'll Have a Slippery Nipple Please!

Bartender, I’ll take a Slippery Nipple please- as in the awesome shot that's part Bailey's, part Kahlua, part Butterscotch Schnapps- as opposed to the itchy ones I've got now. Trust me, I can't believe it either.

 This being my 1st ever pregnancy my world has been turned on it's side. My body is reacting in crazy ways I didn't know possible to what is "still" an itty-bitty creature of a miracle inside of me. Aside from asthma and bouts with allergies I've been blessed with a pretty good health. (Thank God!) Although when I was younger for years I did have to deal with a terrible case of Eczema. Sometimes it would itch so much and I would scratch so badly that my mother would have to put socks on me when I went to bed so I wouldn't hurt myself. 
Well, right now I feel like I'm reverting back to those days. There are moments when I feel if someone caught me scratching as rabidly as I'd like to they be like, "Aw that poor junkie- but she looks so healthy & well-dressed to be a junkie- that's even more of a shame!" Y'all everything itches- but mostly my legs and get this, my nipples. Um, not cool! Sure, you can publicly bend down and soothe any itch below your waist that's not in your crotch region. Most people will even forgive a quick butt scratch- no biggie. But you can't really go to town and get your "scratch on" when what's itching is your REAL Victoria's Secret and you don't want it revealed. 

When the "girls" are setting you in fits there is NO WAY to quell the situation in public, well, at least not without looking like a perv doing "tune in Tokyo" on yourself. And it's not like it's something you can explain to people who may happen to catch you doing it. I mean what are you supposed to do? Coyly smile and pretend like you're removing bothersome lent from your top? I have no more words and unfortunately no solutions for this issue at hand or dare I say at breast, but, "Thank you Mother Nature. Thank you for this fun little pearl of pregnancy I wasn't expecting."

My Preciouses!!!

My Boobs, My Boobs What Happened to My Preciouses??!! I'm not a braggart, but I am someone who has always prided herself in having a nice rack. I was blessed with a voluptuous set of breasts coupled w/ a comparatively small waste- since about middle school I've appreciated their power & allure. I've gotten validation on that across the board from the gay men on Fire Island who've asked permission to motorboat me to the creepy homeless man on the corner who one summer told me that I inspired him to get a job so that he could keep me in a lifetime of tank tops. And let's not forget the straight employed men & women (mostly good girlfriends) who either offered up praise or jealousy- continuing the long standing admiration of "the Girls". They have always been a badge of honor for me; and at a modest 34DD since high school- they've now gone from Hooter's Employee of the Month status and made the crossover into Dog the Bounty Hunter's Wife territory. I knew something was going on 'cause I sensed it. I've been feeling tingles in "the Girls" for a while. When I made the inquiry to my husband at first said he couldn't tell much of a difference. Actually, his direct quote was, "It's like going from 500 miles an hour to 510." Well, that was about 2 weeks ago. In the past 14 days even he's noticed a difference.  Hell, at this point, Stevie Wonder would notice a frapping difference! But I can now tell when my husband- let's call him "CJ", is taking them in cause his eyes do a buggy-thing like Wile E. Coyote when he visualizes the Roadrunner baked on a platter. And the cruelest of cruel tricks by Mother Nature on both of us is that one of my favorite erogenous zones has become a "Do not touch me there, do not think about touching me, do not look too hard at them OR expose them direct sunlight zone". If the cabinet door slams shut or the phone rings too loud I ache! What the hell? The crazy thing is- I know they're going to get bigger, but hopefully better. But I don't even want to think about how much new bras are going to set me back. So long shopping at Victoria's Secret hello Modern Maiden- or some company w/ maiden in it. Those are the comfortable ones for "big" girls right?!