Sunday, July 28, 2013

Let's Talk about SEX (after) Baby!!! Let's Talk about You and Me!

Hah! Now that I've got your attention and put that Salt n' Pepa earworm in your head I can share with you a little something that most new parents are dealing with. 

SEX. Well, rather the lack there of. 

Not for lack of wanting it, but for lack of opportunity. Why?! Because of this new little amazing person who ironically got here because you enjoyed sex in the first place. *Hopefully- you enjoyed it. Let's be honest there are times when you're trying to make that baby that it's just a "let's get the job done, Honey" scenario. #beentheredonethat

Oh and my husband CJ and I no longer call it "having sex" or "making love." Forget about "getting it on" or even "doing the deed".

Now that we are parents we call it "talking." Because although Baby Bean may not speak yet she does understand words. Call me crazy, but I was raised in the South and that's how I roll. So, for the rest of this blog I will be speaking to y'all with the vernacular that CJ and I use to speak with one another. 

Here are the top 3 reasons you will have much less "conversation" than you did pre-baby:

1. You're fucking exhausted (pun totally intended)

2. Especially if you're breastfeeding- you've got someone on your body or literally attached to you for what feels like ALL of the time. #sleepnursing So having someone else "bending your ear" can be less than desirable at times.

3. As soon as you find the time and the energy guess who wakes up from their nap or in the middle of the night?! So you either have to get a quick chat in or nothing at all.

This may sound crazy but it's almost like Baby Bean knows; and even the idea of us practicing to make her a sibling is unconscionable.

Without question, this can be really annoying; because you're still attracted to your partner. You want that closeness, bonding and FUN. But there are going to be times when you have to tell your loved one to "talk to the hand"- literally!

I'd prefer it, if like so many unfortunate new dads, CJ didn't have to resort to talking to himself. But it is what it is and so long he's not mumbling to himself throughout the house like a crazy person on a New York City street, I think we're good.

But I think I should be clear, I'd much rather be part of the conversation.

 *By the way if you enjoyed this and other blog entries would you please vote for me in the Top 25 SoCal Mom Bloggers of 2013. You don't have to give your name or sign-up for anything just click VOTE. Thank you. Here's the link:
*Vote for Diary of a Pregnant Comedian*

Friday, July 12, 2013

A Dear Kate is WAAAAY Better Than A Dear John

I like to think that I have A LOT in common with you. And by you, I mean my amazing audience of mommies, soon-to-be mommies and folks who accidentally wandered on to this site because you randomly Googled the word "panties."
(I'm not judging)

Fyi this is NOT me modeling Dear Kate's Starlet Collection, if it were the skin would be browner and thighs touching.

I like to think our commonalities include wanting to be amazing parents, being responsible citizens of the world and fashionable least in our own circles or minds. I also hope a major quality we share is that we can all take a step back and have a good laugh...especially at some of the "not so funny" stuff that comes along with pregnancy and the aftermath.
This actually was me when Baby Bean was positioning herself on my bladder.
Like the fact that now when you sneeze, laugh or cough too hard there's a REALLY good chance you'll pee your pants a little. (Good times!) Those of you who've been following this blog for a while know that 'ish caught me completely off guard; but true to my promise of "keeping it real" I covered this topic way back in the early throws of my pregnancy. You can read all about it in an entry aptly titled Didja Pee a Little?

I lamented in that blog post that there was no solution to this embarrassing problem except to buy bulky products that make you feel weird and awkward- 'cause who doesn't like walking bow-legged because they've got what feels like a foam surf board in their drawers?  Someone must have read my mind!
Sanctuary!!!!  MADE IN AMERICA- Eat it China!
Because what I didn't know until now was that an incredible company named Dear Kate was the answer to all of our unfashionable, incontinent, uncomfortable underwear prayers. With one of the GREATEST aspects of this company being that they're made in the USA. (Hello!!! How awesome is that?!)

Well, I wish that I could say that those days of "baby bladder" are long gone. That now that I've had my baby, my body has gone right back to where it was pre-baby- as did my bodily functions and control. But let's have a moment of clarity here- even if you are Heidi-f'ing-Klum and you're on some lingerie runway 6 weeks after giving birth guess what you're still going to have issues.
You know behind that smile Heidi's thinking "Ugh, I wish I had some Dear Kate's on right now 'cause I'm about to sneeze!"

And let's be honest for those of us who are still trying to get that baby weight off that's the only solace we have is knowing that while Heidi's sitting in her cushy little chair on America's Got Talent laughing at something snarky Howie Mandel or Howard Stern said- she most likely just tinkled herself... and because she's NOT wearing her Dear Kate panties it's a hot mess.

As the proud owner of a pair of Dear Kate Starlet Hipster panties I can sing their praise from personal experience. However, I wouldn't recommend a non-stop cross-country trip bat-sh*t-crazy-stalker-astronaut style in them, but for everyday life, esp. when you want to feel good and sexy- these are the panties that are calling your name Girlfriend. (btw does anyone else remember that crazy story?!) 
Hello- who doesn't picnic in their panties?! If you don't already Dear Kate will give you the confidence to do so.

Because Dear Kate wants you to know the joy and relief their product can offer they are giving a $10 discount through the end of July 2013 on the Dear Kate panties with the discount code: "DOPClove"

*Full disclosure I was fortunate enough to receive a pair of Dear Kate Starlet Hipster panties to try out courtesy of Dear Kate. But all of the opinions and funny (I hope you thought so too) comments are mine.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The Chiuhuahua vs. The Child

I knew that this day would come- rather I hoped it would come. Although I must admit I had mixed emotions about the day my REAL baby would take precedence over my dog baby. I didn't fully believe it was going to happen. I mean for almost four years this Chihuahua was my life. 

She went with me everywhere! She came to the studio of my morning radio show almost everyday, social gatherings, business trips, comedy gigs etc... Hell, her first night home she came with me to a New Year's Eve party. 

This dog has been flying on planes since she was 4 months old; AND she is the subject of an amazing children's book that will hopefully be published within the next year. Everyone who knows her loves her (She literally has 100+ Friends on her Facebook Page- yes, her Facebook- not her Dogbook!) She even has her own hit video on YouTube.

Most of my friends expect her to be in tow when I travel or visit their home or apt. Because she is a civilized, well-behaved adorable creature. Of course as I type this she's humping the $#@! out of a stuffed cat that she stole from one of my friend's kids. Don't judge everyone has their vices- otherwise she is the coolest Chihuahua you'd ever meet.

She doesn't shake violently for no reason or bark at random noises like most little freaky Chihuahuas. She loves, men and children. I mean she's that "anti-Chihuahua" Chihuahua. But as soon as I looked into the eyes of the sweet sweet creature that I gave birth to I KNEW that I would do ANYTHING for this child.

I thought I would do anything for the dog and I just about would but now it's under the condition that it didn't adversely affect the child.

In complete transparency (as I always provide on this blog) I have hoped and prayed for 30+ years- that I would have a baby and be a mother. I dare say that desire came LONG before my desire to be a comedian or TV and radio personality. 

Like many childless women and men all throughout this great world of ours -the First World where this can happen as opposed to Third World where your pet may be dinner- my dog was my companion, my comfort...and yes, my child.

But there's a new puppy in town Ladies and Gentlemen and the baby dog is now in the emotional dog house. I feel awful about it sometimes but I know that this is the circle of life- priorities are priorities. And my REAL baby must come first. There's not even a question about it in my head.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Wine is OUR Friend- Hence the Creation of MommyJuice Wines

That's right! I said it- Wine is Our Friend. Just ask Hoda and Kathie Lee. I think it's been years since they've gotten through the 4th hour of the Today Show without getting half lit- God love'em.

But there should be no shame in their game. As someone who's never been much of a drinker I have no issue with anyone else "getting their drink on" so long as it's responsible. However, when I do partake I am a devotee to the vino; and I am all about having a nice glass of wine before, during or after dinner. And just for the record I did cut back during my pregnancy because I didn't want my kid coming out looking like a Picasso painting. Thankyouverymuch!

But now that I am a mommy and life as I knew it is no more (i.e. a set schedule, full nights of sleep, clothes without vomit or breast milk on them, going to the bathroom with the door closed or godforbid by myself!) I keep my friends close and a glass of wine closer.
So imagine my delight when I was contacted by a PR rep for Mommy Juice Wines. When they asked me to do a write up about their product I immediately said,"Not without tasting it first!" They promptly sent three fabulous bottles my way. A lovely Red, White and their newest addition "Pool Party Rose."

This is the aftermath of a week of dirty diapers, 3 missed naps and one teething tantrum

I wish I could say the wine lasted all month, but I'd be lying. My husband CJ and polished those suckers off in less than two weeks. I did though get to share my favorite of the three, the Red Wine, with my girlfriend Heather- who hadn't had a glass of wine since before her son was born six months ago. 

You should have seen the look of joy and relaxation that swept over her face. She was beyond grateful and I felt like I'd done my good deed for the week. I immediately went to Facebook to "Like" them.

One of the things I like most about Mommy Juice Wines is their backstory. It literally was made for Mommies by a Mommy.
Busy Mommy Wine Veteran Cheryl Durzy

MommyJuice Wines was founded by Cheryl Durzy, a mom of 2 and 10+ year veteran of the wine industry in Sales and Marketing at Clos LaChance Wines. These wines were inspired by her young children that point to wine glasses everywhere claiming “That’s Mommy’s Juice!” Her vision includes balanced, fruit-forward wines that bring just a bit of peace after the chaos of everyday life as a parent.

Now that MommyJuice Wines has me as a fan I wonder if they'll dig my suggestions for a new motto. Here are some from the top of my head:

*MommyJuice Wines: Because when the laundry's done, dinner's cooked and the kids are in bed you'd better believe you f*&^in' deserve it!  

*MommyJuice Wines: Because sometimes the thought of having another one (kid) is enough to warrant a glass.

*MommyJuice Wines: It's cheaper than therapy

*MommyJuice Wines: Nectar of the gods because I am a goddess (at least in my own house.)

*MommyJuice Wines: A glass a day keeps child protective services away.
*MommyJuice Wines: Because we do more before 9am than the Army...(unless of course you're a mom who's in the Army)

I'm sure you guys have some snappy mottos. I'd LOVE to hear them so feel free to leave one or as many as you can think of in the comment section.

Much Love,
Disclosure: As I said before I was provided with wine from Mommy Juice Wines to write this review. All statements, attempts at humor and opinions expressed in this article are my own.