Thursday, January 9, 2014

Do Ugly Babies Exist?

Now some of y'all are going to have some issues with this post, but I'm not here to people please, (well, not entirely.) I'm here to tell it like it is and to tell the truth- and hopefully give you a chuckle. As a mother of an almost toddler with a new one on the way I am smack dab in the middle of the baby storm.  Part of this "Babynado", if you will, includes the much heated debate on whether or not babies can or can't be ugly?

I hope this blog entry clears it up. The answer y'all is YES! A resounding YES. I know, I know I'm supposed to say all babies are gifts from God and they are beautiful. I DO believe that ALL babies are gifts from God, but they are not all asthetically pleasing to the eye. Am I lying?!

The Original Baby Bean now aka the Chicklet at 10 days old still not even 5 lbs.

I got lucky! Even though my baby came out super duper tiny she still didn't have that crazy newborn "lookin' like a 90-year-old man" look to her. And don't think I'm getting up on my high horse. I have a picture or two of her where she very closely resembles "Roger" from American Dad in the beginning. But fortunately that was a short phase.

Plain and simple some babies are just not attractive, just like some people are not attractive- does that mean you should acknowledge that? Hell, no! At least not to their face or their parent's face. You save your comments for when you are alone with your best friend, mother, sister or husband- if he has tendencies to be as catty as you are and then you let loose.

It is especially hard not to comment when one or both of the parents are extremely good-looking and they give birth to an extra from The Walking Dead. And even I admit it's hard not to take some delight when you go on Facebook and see that a former homecoming queen gave birth to little trolls. Yes, I know I'm going to hell- but that journey started when I began this blog entry talkin' about people's ugly babies.

I figured it was time to talk about this because I've been seeing A LOT of ugly babies lately. I'm kidding (sort of), but it was a topic of debate recently on CafeMom, one of the mommy sites I frequent, under the title "What Do You Say When A Friend Has An Ugly Baby?" Most people felt it was a real quandary, but be put in. Many women took the high road saying that "no baby is ugly." 

These are also probably the same women who don't think you should have alcohol before noon. Um, hello God created Bloody Marys and Mimosas for a reason. That reason is called brunch. But the majority of women agreed that when faced with commenting on a friends less than attractive offspring you "say nothing" or you comment on how sweet the baby is. Because "all babies are sweet". Although I believe that's up for debate as well.

My great-uncle, God rest his soul, came up with THE perfect solution when one comes face to face with an ugly baby and their maker. It's a very Southern approach much like, saying "Bless Your Heart" instead of cussin' someone out. You simply look at the child (being sure not to cringe 'cause that's a dead give away) then you look at the parent and with a genuine smile on your face you say, "Uh-huh! Now that's a baby!" And that's how ugly babies came to be known at "Uh-huh babies" in our household.
 'Cause here's the deal, every parent believes that the creature they created is the most fabulous gorgeous thing that's ever been made- as they should. Now, I'm sure there are a few exceptions- there always are. But those parents are wise not to let on-- to their baby or anyone else that they think their kid is atrocious. The good news is everyone has an "ugly duckling phase" mine was from about 13-18 (perfect timing Thanks God!) for some that period is just infanthood and hopefully if they're lucky they'll grow out of it. If not you just stress that looks aren't that important- money is!

*JFTR: Just for the record this is a completely satirical piece while there are some truths that were said I am in no way shape or form mocking or poking fun at children who were born with birth defects or any other malady. Duh!

Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Gospel According to Karith: What I Would Tell My Pre-Pregnant Self

While being a mother has truly been the most awesome thing I have ever done in terms of love, time, energy and effort there are things I wish I would have known/done before I became one.

I'm not mad, but feel like my friends who did this before me should have done a better job of warning me. Maybe they did, but like most impending moms I was just too excited/ scared/ nervous to listen, and my friends just did their due diligence by reassuring me that it was all going to be okay. And that's what good friends are supposed to do. 

I do vaguely remember a few friends and my mother saying something like, "You're going to be so tired after the new baby gets here, that you need to sleep when the baby sleeps." Which is all great in theory, but especially if this is your first baby, you're going to be so in awe of the little creature that came out of you that you'll be spending the first few weeks just staring at them every second you get especially when they're asleep.
If I was sleeping I NEVER would have gotten this precious shot!

I'm also sure they write about it in all of the "What to Expect..." types of books, but I don't think they put it like this.  So for all of you about-to-be-mommies or mothers of newborns this is the Gospel According to Karith:

I. Do NOT Take (ALONE) Bathroom Time For Granted!

   a) Take long enjoyable showers for as long as you can stand to be under the water. Same goes for baths. Take lots and lots of bubble baths or baths with Essential Oils. Luxuriate! I promise you will miss this! It will be a very long time before you can do this again uninterrupted. 

  b) Poop like a man! Not trying to be crass, but what I mean is take your freakin' time. Don't think about all the other things you could be doing in that half hour - as we women tend to do.Take your favorite magazine in with you and read that sucker from cover to cover until one or both of your feet fall asleep. OR take a book in with you- I don't care if it's 50 Shades or  A Tale of Two Cities but R.I. P. Ladies- Read In Peace. You will long for it one day.

  c) Take your time doing your hair. After a baby a quick brush and up in a clip or pony tail is considered "doing your hair". That's why so many women cut their hair after they have a baby. It's just easier to be able to get up and go. Weaves and braids are a great solution to this too!

  d)  Give your skin love. While that's a habit we should never fall out of THE LAST thing you're thinking about are your pores if your baby is "cluster feeding", teething or dealing with diaper rash. So whether it's putting a mask on a couple of times a week or having a full on facial somewhere (like a real spa). Do it! Relish it!

 II. Dress nicely. 

   a) Put on that cute outfit you've been saving and accessorize! Not that you won't have opportunities to dress up after baby, but if you normally looked like you stepped out of a Talbot's catalog your head's going to spin at how easy it is to spend all-day in a comfy t-shirt and yoga pants or pajama bottoms.

  b) Wear make-up as you regularly would- no need to over do it and look like a clown. But that pregnancy glow will wear the hell off after about 2 weeks of not sleeping your regular 8 hours.

III. Enjoy ALL positions. Yes I'm talking about sex AND sitting and sleeping.

   a) Even if you don't, sleep on your stomach, because you won't be able to at a certain point in your pregnancy and  you're going to want to. So get it out of your system now.

   b) Same with all the wild sex positions you and your honey can come up with. Do them ALL. TRUST ME at one point some positions will be like an uncomfortable game of Twister and some downright impossible and then when baby  eventually comes you may not have the same kind of time to go through the karma sutra you once did. Because a cry from this little thing will kill the mood instantly.

I write this with love because that's hopefully how you got into this in the first place. I hope those of you who have yet to give birth, give this heed and I hope that those of you who have been in this boat pass the Gospel According to Karith along to your unsuspecting friends. We women need to stick together 'cause who else is going to tell it like it is?!

Much Love,

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year, New Baby!

'Cause why the heck not?! Some people plan their kids so they're spaced out evenly over every couple of years. 

Those people have the luxury of time. So if you can do that- more power to ya! Just for the record, I planned this baby too. I planned for it not to be still inside of me in the sweltering summer heat. 

Fool me once Mother Nature shame on you...fool me twice...Un-uh- this mama's not doing that sh*t again.

This is an actual photo of me from the summer of 2012

(fyi while looking for a graphic to match this section I Googled "hot and pregnant"- not the smartest thing I've done today. I recommend doing this only if you want to feel like crap for having love handles and looking like "most real women" when they're preggers.)

So, my babies will officially be 20 months apart not quite "Irish twins", but close enough that people will think my husband, CJ and I know nothing about birth control. 

Considering I'm a septuagenarian and he's an octogenarian we still look good.
Here's the deal, I'm 75 and he's 82- time is NOT on our side right now. So we figured if we're already in diapers (although I hope Baby Bean #1 will be making strides to being toilet trained before Baby Bean#2 arrives) and we're not sleeping- let me rephrase that- I'm not sleeping through the night- what's one more year of madness, right?!

So wishing a VERY Happy New Year, filled with love, prosperity and laughter to all of my wonderful friends and followers. And let's get on this pregnancy and baby train together again. 

Much Love,