Tuesday, May 29, 2012

1st Sign My Baby's Probably Gonna Have 'Tude

I knew from the minute I saw our little one aka "Baby Bean" on the on the black and white screen of the ultrasound that we had a character on our hands. Not only was he or she (still don't know for sure, but I'm leaning toward "he") moving around like a hopeful on "SoYou Think You Can Dance". 

When the u/s technician put more pressure on my womb to give us a better view the baby did something that will forever crack me up. He put his left hand and forearm over his face as if to say, "No Pictures! No Pictures!" 

Well, the other day I did something that probably wasn't the smartest thing I could have done. I was having a vain moment and I managed to squeeze and I do mean squeeze myself into my Lucky Brand button up jeans- my "fat jeans" if you will. Well, to my great surprise they fit again- I wanted to assume it was just some excess water weight and bloat that made them unwearable the week before. (See- It Had to Happen Sooner or Later.) So I'm thinking I'm looking cute in my jeans and but when I came out to the living room to resume my favorite spot on the sofa that illusion was quickly shattered. I sat down, could hardly breathe and could barely get back up without pushing myself off the arm of the sofa. I was a bit miffed at myself for not using the sense God gave me and the baby, well let's just say Baby Bean was pissed! That little sucker, who just started moving where I can feel it, kicked me for a good 15 minutes afterward. Can't say I blame him (or her), but I think it's safe to say I do not have a passive docile child on my hands. Hmm, wonder where that came from?

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Heartburn Hotel

Does NOT always spell R-E-L-I-E-F

I suppose I could have also titled this blog "Heartburn Hell!" Because that's where I am and what I've got right now. There are times, fortunately only brief moments in time, but still long enough to warrant a blog entry possibly two, that I feel like I'm burning alive from the inside. 

I am not exaggerating when I say it feels like hot molten lava is bubbling up my esophagus then sliding back down my chest. (Good times.) I've never felt anything like this. Sure heartburn is no stranger to me. I've over done it at an amusement park or BBQ cook-off. And when I was a kid there was a time that I was on too high a dosage of the asthma medicine and I developed a horrific case of acid reflux. This was before Prilosec and Zantac and right on the verge of Gaviscon so the only thing I could take at the time was Rolaids.  
Yes, while the other kids were busting out with their Fun Dip for a sweet treat I was pulling out my aluminum roll of indigestion medicine. (More good times!)

I think the worst part of this heartburn thing is that although it can occur any time of day it chooses to rise up (literally) and rear it's ugly fiery head right when I'm trying to go to sleep. So not right or fair. I've already been told that sleeping sitting up will help. God knows I've got enough pillows on the bed (much to my husband CJ's dismay.) Sure the heartburn subsides a little, but then guess who's not getting a comfortable night's sleep.

Though it's enough to drive one to drink the goal continues to be as holistic with this as possible so I've been scarfing papaya enzyme tablets. I must say, though I am loving the suggestions I'm getting from other mothers who've gone through this. Many of whom were gracious enough to comment on my Huffington Post article with remedies such as chocolate milk, mashed potatoes, licorice tablets, vinegar, pickle juice, even saurkraut was offered up.  The best one, although it would be considered taboo, was from a woman who e-mailed me privately- probably because she didn't want to be slammed with negative comments- but she told me back in the 70's when it was still someone frowned upon to drink alcohol- she would have a few sips of beer when her heartburn was totally out of control. All I'm going to say is that I'm willing to give all of these try, yes, even if I do end up having to drinking couple sips of Dos Equis out of a coffee mug. 

P.S. If you like this and other of my blog entries please vote for me as I've been nominated for a Top 25 Mom Blog of SoCal. You can vote everyday for the next 10 days here: http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-SoCal-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-SoCal-Moms-2012

Thanks for the love and support! 


Friday, May 25, 2012

Mommy Blogs- My Godsend or My Curse?

I thank God for the support I get from groups on the mommy and mommy-to-be websites. What to Expect.com and Just Mommies, Cafe Mom and Babble of some of my faves to peruse. But I'm finding that they are my blessing and my curse. Meaning it's been a lifesaver having a place to go and read up on folks who are going through EXACTLY what I'm going through at the same exact time- the night sweats, the crazy cravings, the silly spouses etc... That's the upside. The downside is I get to read about conditions, reactions and a few tragedies that I didn't even know existed. Ironically, the tragedies i.e. miscarriages I can make peace with. I serve that up to being a God-thing and an agreement of souls.

It's the completely out of this world "side affects" of pregnancy I'm having some issues with. So if you're someone like me who has even the slightest tendency towards hypochondria your goose is cooked. You should see my eyes bug out when I read what these ladies are sharing about what's happening on the surface of their epidermis like abnormal hair growth in unusual places i.e. on their back  (not me thank goodness). And let's not forget dry patches of skin that make you think you're half reptilian. Oh, and then there's the part of about extra saliva and mucous production. That's delectable.

I'm sure next week I'll be reading about some poor woman who developed leprosy from being prego. It's all enough to make you want to put a sign up quarantining yourself  from the rest of the world. (Like pregnancy was contagious- 'course in my neighborhood in SoCal it might be.)

It's a few months in when the really exciting physical stuff starts happening in pregnancy because your blood vessels are increasing, you've got twice as much water in your system and your sweet little darling and placenta are taking up more room and weight. So make way for things like severe headaches, back aches, sciatica and leg cramps. Ooh let the fun begin. Um, how does that Duggar woman do it again?

Thursday, May 24, 2012

I’m Bugging Out!

Lately I've been feeling like the star of Dexter...you know the TV show based on American Psycho.  

It's because of the private scenarios of mini-deaths that are taking place in my home on an almost daily/nightly basis now that warm weather is upon us and the doors and windows are open. I am metaphorically talking about the war I've waged with insects in my house. Insects that primarily include flies (regular & fruit), gnats, mosquitoes (especially) and an occasional spider whose over stepped his or her bounds. I try to do the "catch & release" thing with spiders because they "get" the bad bugs for me.

That's been ingrained in me for years because my father used to scold me for killing spiders as a child. But when it comes to a Black Widow's life or mine or my family's guess who's spinning their great web in the sky.

For the record I have NEVER been a lover of bugs. In fact when I had to do my bug collection for Mrs. Halstead's 6th grade biology class. I subcontracted the work to my little brother. That's actually my nice way of saying I asked him to do his little brotherly/ little boy duties and he saw a business opportunity and charged me anywhere from a nickel to a quarter per bug.

Twenty-some years later I find myself in a similar predicament- having to take the life of a bug- but not for a grade just my own piece of mind. I now though have more of a conscious about it. I mean is it a life. It probably has a family somewhere possibly offspring. Is that me feeling closer to the God/The Creator/The Universe? Or am I just getting all "motherly"?

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

There Are Just Some Things I Don't Want to Know

And some things I do. At the top of that list is who killed JFK-near the bottom, what the sex of my baby is. We have the BIG ultrasound coming up in about a week. It's the one where we can, if we choose to, find out the sex. I am still pretty adamant that I don't want to know. (See To Find out Or Not to Find Out) I'm sticking w/ the same argument which is: how many real true GOOD surprises do we get in life? My friends who have found out the sex of their babies praise me for my patience. Nothing could be further from the truth, y'all. I normally want everything and I want it right now- just like the song. But this is different.
My husband, CJ, is dying to know. He claims he'll be able to tell just by looking at the ultrasound. He's certain of this because he worked in research & development and used to test diesel cell engines where using a sonogram to detect cracks in diesel particular filters was his specialty. Uh-huh, and I suppose looking for a crack in an engine is much like looking for a penis on an embryo. This must be like how his growing up on a farm & helping calves come into the world will be such an asset to my birthing process. (See my Huffington Post article S#!T NEVER to Say to Your Pregnant Wife!)

My argument is this- even if he does find out the sex "on his own" how is he going to keep the secret?! There's no way he's not going to slip up. I'd slip up and I'm a master secret keeper. 
I can hear it already- we'll be in mid-conversation about the baby & he'll say "So, how is he- I mean- she feeling today?" Or on a random trip to Target and I start buying clothes or items that are not associated with the baby's gender I can hear him saying something nonchalantly like, "I wouldn't take those tags off if I were you." Or "I'd hang on to that receipt."

And that'll be great. Just great.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Infamous Name Game Part III

Somehow I think this is going to be an on going discussion up until the very end and I suppose I'm just going to have to be okay with it. My husband CJ, whom I love dearly and dare I even say in this day and age I REALLY like, does not see eye to eye with me on baby names. Nor I with him. With the exception of 2 or 3 names neither of us care for any suggestions the other has. Case in point, last night as I was heading to bed I threw out the suggestion "Lark" for a girl's name. I guess you could even say I did it on a bit of a lark (yep, pun totally intended), but nothing prepared me for the response I got from the other side of the house. Let's recap that conversation shall we?

Me: Hey Honey?

CJ: Yeah?

Me: What do you think about the name Lark?

CJ: What?!

Me: Lark.

CJ: Absolutely not! Lark is British for a joke. (He's an Aussie so
still very tied to British culture & language.)

Me: Um, okay, but it also means little bird.

CJ: First of all no kid of ours is going to be little. (He's 6'4- so he
has a point there). Secondly, we are not having a bird- we're having a
BABY. And lastly our child is NOT going to be a joke.

Me: (audible to myslef) Well, Mreow!

CJ: What?

Me: Nothing Honey. Okay- I guess Lark is out.

Then I brushed my teeth got in bed and crashed- lamenting the fact that another name I  thought was cool and unique was kabashed! A shame too because the only Lark I know of is Lark Voorhies- aka Lisa Turtle aka the only Black girl from "Saved by the Bell." She's cute, seems smart, successful and put together. 

It seems the only questionable thing she's done was be engaged to comedian Martin Lawrence. That was a WTF moment, but c'mon who hasn't had one of those?

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

It Had to Happen Sooner or Later...

Just because you know something's going to happen doesn't necessarily mean you're prepared for it when it does. Say for instance when your normal clothing stops fitting properly. Or we can be more specific and say your jeans...your "FAT jeans." You know, the good old faithful pair that are always in the closet for you when you've over indulged on a weekend eating and drinking binge or your PMS bloat is out of control. They're like the best friend you can call up when you've had a bad day- she tells you it'll be okay; you're still an amazing person and that things will get back to normal soon. She's usually right, but not this time. 

I recently make an investment in a few new bras. My eyes nearly bugged out of my head when I saw that the size bra that fits most comfortably is 36DDD. So I'm pretty sure it's just a matter of time before surpass Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife's in the boobage department. I called my mother half bragging/ half lamenting and her response was,  "You Grow Girl!" I guess funny runs in the family. (Thanks again Mommy). The boob job by Mother Nature wasn't upsetting or disconcerting- as it was to be expected. I mean one of the first clues I got that I was pregnant was instant boob growth and the super awesome soreness that accompanies it. But up until this past weekend I've still kept my hourglass shape. A nice cute little waist (in comparison to the rest of me) and all of my clothes still fit. 

I'm not sure of the exact moment it happened, but it did sometime this weekend. I know I shouldn't be surprised. All of the mommies-to-be who are on the same websites I'm on who are due at the same time are going through this too. 
Some popped even earlier. I'm not sure why I thought I was going to be different. But it happened to me this morning when I went to put on my faithful "fat jeans" which I've been wearing for the past few weeks. They went on just fine, but then dunh...dunh.. duuunh- they refused to close. In fact, I was only able to button the bottom two of the five buttons on my Lucky Brand jeans. Needless to say I was not feeling so lucky. Cause what this means is it's now time for someone to start maternity clothes shopping. Now, for those of you that haven't known me long I detest shopping- unless I'm getting a kickass deal. I'm the person who goes to the mall or department store knowing exactly what I want and I'm in and out in 20, 30 minutes max. I don't know what's wrong with me- maybe I'm missing that "girl gene" or something, but I've been that way almost all of my adulthood- (and my husband is grateful.) So I just ask that you say a little prayer to the shopping  gods on my behalf that I can find what a like and need without stressing me OR Baby Bean out. 

Before I sign off I'd to leave you with a laugh or with your mouth agape as mine was. Right after CJ and I found out we were preggers we happened to be in Macy's so we checked out the maternity clothes section just for shits and giggles. And that's where I saw something I honestly didn't even think existed- but they do. Check out the scene below.

Yes that's right maternity Daisy Dukes. Two guesses on who won't be rockin' those this summer.

P.S. If you like this and other of my blog entries please vote for me as I've been nominated for a Top 25 Mom Blog of NY. You can vote everyday for the next 10 days here: 

Thanks for the love and support! 

Monday, May 14, 2012

Guest Post: Consolidating Efforts for a Healthy Delivery

I am so pleased to introduce my first guest blogger- Ms. Katie Moore. Please keep reading this incredibly informative article on having a healthy delivery.

Expecting moms can sometimes find themselves constantly battling a steep learning curve of medical jargon, research, best practices, and treatment options during pregnancy. It can be a lot to absorb, especially with so many preparations to make for the big day and weeks of bonding with baby afterwards. Fortunately, there are some easy ways to consolidate many of the preparation activities, so that precious time and energy don’t have to be parsed between each one.

At Least Two Classes
Pregnancy and childbirth classes offer several benefits. Choosing the instructor wisely will give mom access to research-based information on many topics related to pregnancy. Besides just getting this information, most pregnancy classes are geared toward learning how to put it into practice. Meditation, breathing and exercise routines have all been proven beneficial, and classes will give mom the confidence to apply these to having a healthy pregnancy and childbirth. Most pregnancy classes run for several weeks or months can also be a great opportunity to socialize with other moms and learn from the experiences of others.

The other necessary class should be offered by the health provider and will take place in the clinic or hospital prior to birth. Childbirth classes are an excellent way to relieve anxiety by becoming familiar with staff, facilities, and policies. Standard procedures often are not discussed in the regular check-ups, and some moms end up regretting now having become familiar with these. Circumcision, vaccinations, cord blood banking and the other procedures commonly performed just after birth should be learned about and consciously chosen by mom, or opted out of. Optional procedures, like labor induction, may also be discussed.

Yoga for Pregnancy
There has been a lot of research done on the benefits of meditation, and it can be a powerful way to reduce reliance on pain medications, reduce risk of complications, and keep baby in excellent health throughout the pregnancy. Combining it with aerobic exercise in the form of yoga is a great way to get the benefits of both while saving time. If classes are not offered nearby, there are yoga for pregnancy videos available. Sharing these with a friend, or using a full-length mirror, can help ensure postures are performed correctly.

Asking questions and getting trustworthy answers is a major part of preparing for childbirth. The right mix of classes can help overcome the learning curve and give new mothers a sense of confidence otherwise unavailable. The use of meditation and exercise have both been shown to be effective at increasing the chance of a happy delivery with a lower risk of complications. The application of research-based knowledge relieves anxiety on delivery day!

This article was written by Katie Moore. Katie is an active writer within the blogging community who discusses maternity, motherhood, prenatal health, childbirth and other topics within this niche. If you have any questions or would like to connect with Katie please contact by visiting her blog, Moore From Katie or her twitter @moorekm26.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mommy, Thank You For Never Putting Me on Toddlers and Tiaras

Today is Mother’s Day (well, in the U.S.anyway), it's the day we’re all supposed to express our love and gratitude to the women who bore us, adopted us, loved us and raised us. I have no doubt that the majority of moms out there have gone above and beyond to give their child(ren) the best life we could possibly have. I’m also mature enough to know that those who didn’t still probably did the best that they could- not all mothers are created equal- that’s just how it is.

I just happened to get lucky which is why this blog entry and permanent Mother’s Day card is a HUGE thank-you to my mom for being the best mother a woman could ask for. She gave me three things I would have never had on my own. She gave me a name, a voice and a purpose and for that I am eternally grateful.

Even before I was born she wanted me to be special and stand out from the crowd. I think she had a feeling I’d be doing something extraordinary- although I'm not sure comedy was at the top of her list, but hey, life is full of surprises, right? But that’s why she named me “Karith”- a name most people have never heard before- which by the way is not a made up or combo name like KAR-en and mered-ITH put together. It’s actually a real name with a real meaning. “Karith” spelled also Careth (and I’m sure other various ways) is Semitic in origin. It means covenant or promise. Specifically, it’s the promise that God made to Abraham about success. I appreciate the beauty and uniqueness of it now, even though it was tough as a kid when people thought my name was “Karen” and I had a speech impediment. I can still hear the whispers today, “Cute Little Brown Thing- real shame about that lisp.” But I recovered and even thrived and when I’m really famous thanks to my mom I can go by just one name. Hellooo Cher, Madonna, Beyonce…Karith- see the trend? (Well, sans the fact that I don't sing). But I got the website www.karith.com didn’t I?

My mother also gave me a voice. From the time I could talk she made me speak for myself. There was no hiding behind her leg when someone asked me how old I was, or what was my name (even if they got it wrong.) I had such a vocabulary at 3 and 4 years old that adults would come visit us just to converse with me. I was a little draw then. I have no doubt that I developed confidence and a strong personality because of that. Not only did my mom give me a voice because she made me speak for myself, but this voice she gave me came through in other ways too. Starting when I was six months old we took Mommy/Baby swimming lessons and I’ve been a HUGE fan of water ever since. So folks who say Black people don’t swim can kiss my sun-kissed brown hiney. (Now, I may not like to get my hair wet, but that has nothing to do with the art or craft of getting in a pool or ocean.) My mom went out of her way to make sure I got to try all of the things she didn’t get to do growing up as a kid in the projects of Camden, New Jersey. I took skiing lessons, ice skating lessons, dance- both jazz and ballet. When I was diagnosed with asthma at 3 years old she enrolled me in yoga to help with my breathing. Sure, I was the only little brown thing in a class with 40 -50 year old women, but I was there- learning to relax and focus my breathing. I played soccer and softball and took tennis lessons and when I was done she didn’t force me to continue- she applauded my efforts and helped me find the next thing that might be my niche. Because of that I was never scared of trying anything new; even if I was a little timid about it it didn't last long because I knew if I didn't like something when that time was over I could walk away. But if it was my cup of tea I had her (and my father's full support to stick with it).

Lastly, my mom gave me purpose whether it was her intention or not. She demonstrated not just how a mother, but how a human being should be the best they could be. She taught me service- not just to our family but to others. She and my father both from the time I can remember have always volunteered in some capacity whether it was to help our church or to help those who are less fortunate. She instilled that education and knowing what is going on in the world is paramount to being a well-rounded individual. My mom taught me that having compassion not just for the people in your immediate circle but for complete strangers is a good thing and one person CAN make a change. It was this spirit that drove me to be a comedian and as I see it a comedian is not just someone who gets on stage and tells jokes. A comedian is a healer, a mentor, an educator a therapist and a giver of the gift of laughter- just like my mom. The world needs comedians but mostly the world needs more people like my mother.

So thank you Mom for all that you did right- even if you don't think so- YOU DID! Thank you for letting me be myself, making my own mistakes, but mostly thank you for never forcing me to do something like Toddlers and Tiaras- cause those women are crazy!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Pregnancy Bonus? Say What?!

I am ALL about the bonus structure. I like bonus gifts when you win something, bonus points on a game, even bonus questions on a test (yes, I am that nerdy). So you know darn well that I like the bonuses that come from carrying the "Little Bean" around in my bel-bel. Yes, there are SO many things to bitch and moan about that come with the pregnancy package, but I'd like to take this blog entry to talk about some of the highlights or, if you will, the "Pregnancy Bonuses."  Now, you may be saying,  "Karith- you're still so early on how do you even know about this? I mean you're not really even showing!"
 Which brings up the excellent question: What do you do when you don't look pregnant? Answer: Helloooo! You tell everyone & their grandmother so you get the "bonuses".  I don't mean go around with a bull horn proclaiming it to the world unless that's your style. 'Course, I suppose you could start a blog about it-I'm not gonna judge. ;-) But  the idea is to obviously share with the people you love first and secondly with the people who can hook you up. Now understand- the latter group of people will most likely consist of complete strangers. But they're the best ones and they usually just feel good doing something nice for a random pregnant woman.

Let's discuss some of these bonuses shall we? One of the best bonuses that we all should acknowledge is that people are WAY more forgiving of you if you have "pregnancy brain" moreso than if you're just a plain space cadet. Trust me, I've done some stupid flighty stuff the past few weeks- i.e keeping an e-mail in draft form then getting mad  because the recipients hadn't responded. (See more @ "Baby Brain Blogettes"). This isn't just an excuse for being daft- something with your hormones and chemicals in your brain causes mini sometimes major "flake-outs"
 Other bonuses include eating out and getting a touch more of what you ask for- OR if you have an odd request  having it granted without people batting an eye. Say for example at Chipotle- the place I would marry if it was legal to marry an establishment (and of course if I wasn't already married)- I just drop that I'm eating for two and gone are any chinsey portions in my burrito bowl of sour cream, salsa or chicken. Same goes for when you ask for a slightly altered dish at a restaurant- especially at a place that doesn't like to stray from it's exact menu or "do substitutions". If you just apologize for the inconvenience and say, "I wouldn't normally ask for this, but this BABY (point at your abdomen then add a belly rub for effect) is giving me the craziest cravings." By law- Nature's Law of "Not Being a D!€k" They cannot say NO. Even the coldest of waiters will oblige you.
One of my favorite bonuses is that you're not allowed to lift heavy things anymore OR reach up high. So my husband now gets to take the wet laundry and hang it on the line. (When we're in CA we're VERY green). 
 AND now I get to ask some cute young guy (if my hubby's absent) on the airplane to help me store and reclaim my luggage from the overhead compartment. So far people have only been so happy to do so.

So ladies who are in the same boat- the message here is EMBRACE YOUR PREGNANCY as this is just the beginning of some REALLY good stuff to come. And people who are dealing with said ladies, BE NICE. I understand you didn't knock us up, but this is a wonderful, but taxing time in our lives so indulging in little bonuses like the ones I mentioned above can make our day and/or ward off a crying fit that can come on for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

P.S. If you like this and other of my blog entries please vote for me as I've been nominated for a Top 25 Mom Blog of NY. You can vote everyday for the next 10 days here: 


Monday, May 7, 2012

Green-Eyed Monster Monday

Welcome to this week's Green-Eyed Monster Monday: Who I'm Jealous of Today and Why? And the winner IS... (drum roll please) any woman who still has 100% complete control of her bladder. I'll give you 3 guesses on who didn't know this too was one of the awesome side effects of being pregnant. Thanks again Mother Nature for this  not so pleasant surprise. The only reason I know about this fun little diddy is because a few weeks ago I had one of the worst colds I've ever had ('cause your immune system gets a little compromised when you've got another life form to support from the inside- also news for a normally healthy individual.)
I sneezed and coughed like nobody's business. Sure my stomach muscles got a touch stronger, but my kegel muscles were like, "Whoa Miss Thang- we've got A LOT going on right now and you really haven't been exercising us lately sooo...." Then like a guy you really dig, but he's breaking up with you they (my keegs) said, "It's not you, it's us. So, we're not gonna be able to work as effectively as we did before."  Yes, my body and it's various parts talk to me.
There have been times recently when I've had a helluh big sneeze. I knew it was coming- I prepared with the tissue etc...I was still not prepared for what would happen downstairs when, yes, I peed a little. Same thing happened when I had a coughing fit. But the worst one was when I was walking down the street in Brooklyn to visit a great friend who just became a mother to twins and some teenage kid handing out flyers said, "Hey Lady- you know who you look like?" I had to stop to hear this one because it's always interesting hearing who people think I resemble. The answers I've gotten have run the gamut from Pam Grier (HUGE compliment) to a "brown Sarah Jessica Parker" (um, still a compliment. Right? Watch my stand-up comedy @ this here.) But this young brother blew me away when he said, and I kid you not, "Britney Spears."  That made me laugh so hard, that yes, I peed a little. I mean come on you would too- bladder control or not!

P.S. If you like this and other of my blog entries please vote for me as I've been nominated for a Top 25 Mom Blog of NY. You can vote everyday for the next 10 days here: 


Saturday, May 5, 2012

S#!t You Shoud NEVER Say to Your Pregnant Wife!

Not two days ago, my husband and I were talking about our birth plan; I brought up the fact that I wanted to have doula. He duly asked, "What's a doula?"  I explained that she was a cross between a midwife, a coach, a mentor and a super hero for pregnant women. She would be an extra set of hands around during the birth if something, God forbid, goes wrong and she would be there after to help with the transition period of going from no baby to having a screaming, crying, pooping miracle in our lives. I also mentioned that she probably would be an out of pocket expense, as insurance doesn't typically cover them. 
To which my normally super-intelligent husband replied, "You don't need a doula. You'll be fine. I'll be there. I've helped out when cows were being born on the farm I grew up on in Australia." (Insert needle on the record scratch here!!!)  

For the record, I didn't immediately start yelling at my husband. I did stare in silence for a good 5-7 seconds giving him ample time to see if he'd realize his faux pas and jump back in the conversation with a, "I was just kidding, Honey." He did not. And that is when I lost my mind. I don't remember verbatim what I said, but it was something along the lines of, "Are you f*@#ing kidding me?! You're comparing the birth of your first child to the birth of a calf on your farm?! Which also by default means you're comparing me to a cow?! How dare you call me a heifer you cheap bastard! Don't talk to me! In fact don't even look at me right now. I can't believe you!"

Hindsight is 20/20 and I'm certain looking back now, that I read a little more into his comments than I needed to. But I think we all (at least anyone who has been pregnant) can unanimously agree that that was some dumb s#!t to say to your pregnant bloated emotional wife who's excited and somewhat nervous about expecting her first child. Am I right?

I knew I couldn't be alone in this so I polled some of my friends to see what brilliance came out of their significant others un-filtered mouths. Here are some other dumb things husbands/partners have said to the women carrying their seed:

A girlfriend who is currently 6 months pregnant with their 3rd child had her husband recently say to her: "Wow your arms don't look as big as usual, since you're stomach is sooo big." He quickly apologized and insisted that she took it the wrong way.
Um, how was she supposed to take it?!

Another friend's husband had the audacity to tell her, "I think you need to be back on your depression medication."
Yeah, that or find a different man to help her raise her baby.

While expecting their first child a friend's husband said, "Why do you need to read a book about this?" Now that the baby is 4 months old he's constantly coming to her for answers. She also got more gems from her hubby like, "Why are you always so tired?" But the classic came while her head was in the toilet bowl, "Vomiting again, huh?"
Gee, what do you think dumbass?

Although she was done with the pregnancy part a dear friend's now ex-husband takes the cake for most obnoxious behavior. While she was breastfeeding this jackass made moo-ing noises.

One of my favorites comes from my dear friend comedian
Kerri-Louise and mind you her husband is a comic too. While she was in the hospital in labor, and clearly in pain- he says to her, "Stop moaning, people are going to think we're having sex in here!" That's a classic. And she surprisingly still speaks to him.

While pregnant with her second child, one of my best friends and fellow comedian
Mary Kennedy had her husband say to her, "You really should take your gay best friend to labor and delivery this time- been there done that." I am pleased to say that he did end up going and they are still VERY married.

But the first place winner of dumb shit said to their pregnant wife goes to the husband of one of my Facebook friends. He said, ‎"I have to go to Philadelphia for this training thing for work right around your due date. Don't worry though, 'cause I'm flying my mom in from Ohio to stay with you that week 'just in case'. But don't worry I'm one plane flight away. Labor lasts for HOURS and sometimes ALL DAY so if you go into labor I'll still get there on time!"
Oh, he's a keeper!!!

By they way if any of you have stories or similar experiences please feel free to share! We're all in this together.

P.S. If you like this and other of my blog entries please vote for me as I've been nominated for a Top 25 Mom Blog of NY. You can vote everyday for the next 13 days here: 


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Is Jessica Simpson an Elephant Or Is it Just Me?

Now before anyone gets all huffy I am NOT at all making a dig at her weight gain. I personally think those people who mocked or made fun of her in the media are jackasses and over-glorified bullies. Not that I’m the biggest Jessica Simpson fan in the world, but I do think she was absolutely gorgeous while she was prego. She glowed, as you're supposed to in that state and, yeah, sure, she put on about 50-60 lbs, but so-freakin’-what! A) You know it’s going to come off because she’s a celebrity that still HAS celebrity and shit to promote and B) Rumor is she’s got some serious motivation in the form of a several million dollar deal from Weight Watchers. So my comparing her to an elephant has nothing to do with her size, but rather how long this chick was pregnant. If you’re a National Geographic-head like me or you’re just up on your knowledge of Pachyderms then you know that elephants gestate for a good 22 months. See the connection! I mean is it me or doesn’t it feel like we’ve been hearing about Jessica Simpson being pregnant since fall of 2010?! I know it’s not her fault- I blame the media and her father Joe Simpson. I’m not saying it’s right but I am guilty of a little schadenfreude when it comes to the Simpson girls (Jessica and Ashlee) and the circumstances surrounding their natal-ness. I just think it’s so ironically fitting that Joe Simpson, a former Christian youth minister, has not one, but two daughters who got knocked up before they got married. I swear I’m not judging, but it just reeks of hypocrisy and irony. 
I'm seriously not judging. In today's day and age it's almost the norm (esp. if you're a celebrity) to get pregnant then get married same goes for when the clock is ticking for us over-30 moms. I just barely squeaked in as legal. My baby's due date is EXACTLY 9 months after my wedding date. So I just want to say congrats to Jessica and What's-His-Name on the birthday yesterday of their daughter Maxwell Drew. (Don't even get me started on the name.) Can't wait to see the spread in People magazine.

***So fyi I'm in a contest for the 25 Top Mom Blogs of NY- I would SO appreciate your vote ONLY a 10 days left. You don't have to give any personal info just click the button: http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012