Green Eyed Monster Monday

For every time I've said, "I don't give a s#!t" - I take it back now. Don't worry Y'all, I'm not having some internal spiritual transformation due to my impending motherhood status that is making me re-evaluate my stance on cursing OR the apathy I have toward over-dramatic people's BS. I'm still good in those areas and have no issue doing either. By nature I'm not a potty mouth so I think I'm okay with the amount I have to contribute to my mental swear jar. Plus, I'm in my 30's which means it's time to cut the "crazy maker's" from my life anyway. (Artist's Way- anyone?)

I currently regret saying, "I don't give a s#!t" on a very literal level right now because I would give just about anything to have one- take one, make one etc... Which is why this very special Green Eyed Monster Monday is brought to you by the letters "F" and "U" cause right now I am SO jealous of my husband and dog I could curse.  I love them dearly, but it seems just like with falling asleep for them these creatures that I adore can do it like clockwork. WTF?! 

Now, I've glazed over this topic a little in my post "All Stopped Up and No Way to Go" and I even dedicated a different Green Eyed Monster Monday to them on this very subject, but that was a couple months ago back when I still thought it was a little funny. It's NOT funny anymore. Now, I'm pissed. Every time CJ or Lealah relieve themselves I get more angry. 

Because that's what being constipated does. It makes you MEAN! Which makes me question with all seriousness a good number of senior citizens' and Rush Limbaugh's regularity.

I wish I was kidding, but a couple of weeks ago when my darling husband was taking one of his marathon craps I lost it. (And by the way how do guys spend half an hour + in the bathroom for that?! Even when I could go with no issue I'm in an out in 5 minutes max. I remember as a kid my father doing the same thing. What are they doing in there? Solving world peace?)

Seriously is it a testosterone thing or do women just think, "I've got too much shit to do (pun intended) other than sitting here on the pot for half the day.") Anywho, CJ's in the bathroom, doing his business, minding his business and as I walked by I just said, "I hate you!" It just rolled off my tongue, like I was saying, "Good morning" or "How are you today?" I don't know what happened, but I couldn't help it. He heard me say something but couldn't discern my contempt so I played it off saying something like, "I found you!" Y'all that is not the woman he married! Deep breaths.

I realize this is part of the process and I've just got to roll, but if this is "our" pregnancy shouldn't we be sharing in all the fun?!

Green-eyed Monster Mondays

Welcome to "Green-eyed Monster Mondays- Who I'm Jealous of Today & Why?"
Today the prize goes again to my dog and my  husband because it seems like either of them can crap on cue.

 And just about anywhere. It's disgusting, but I ache to do that too- literally. It bemoans me to even have to bring this topic up as I am a Southern lady and bodily functions- especially removing one's toxic waste is not polite conversation. But as I've since found out being pregnant throws a lot of the everyday niceties and inhibition about taboo subjects right out the window. Pregnancy makes you GET REAL, real fast. Albeit I wasn't always the most "regular" person to begin with, but apparently hormones mixed with iron from the pre-natal vitamins and folic acid hinders as opposed to helps the "flow of traffic" if you will. I have been drinking water like a track star, consuming dried fruit like my name is Mabel and eating so much Raisin Bran they should seriously consider making me a paid spokesperson. So if you would be so kind- please say a little prayer for me and my colon we would both thankyouverymuch!

All Stopped Up and No Way to Go

You ever hear of that children's book "Everyone Poops"? Well, I'm here to counter that book/statement with a resounding, "No- no they f*cking don't!"

Not everyone poops- at least not when they want to. Right now, I unfortunately rank at the top of that list and I can't really take anything for it except more water, exercise, veggies & fiber which I'm doing but sometimes all that does is make me a human whoopee cushion- (see "Just call me Gaseous Clay" entry). Now granted, I didn't start off as the most "regular" individual- but now it's like I'm in the Mohave Desert of bowel movements. Take my normal frequency then add the extra iron from the prenatal pills and the folic acid ('cause one can never be too careful) and voila- what do you get? A woman who if she came across a genie in a bottle would use one of those three incredibly valuable wishes to Cleanse. My. Colon. No s#!t.