Green-Eyed Monster Monday

Welcome to this week's Green-Eyed Monster Monday: Who I'm Jealous of Today and Why? And the winner IS... (drum roll please) any woman who still has 100% complete control of her bladder. I'll give you 3 guesses on who didn't know this too was one of the awesome side effects of being pregnant. Thanks again Mother Nature for this  not so pleasant surprise. The only reason I know about this fun little diddy is because a few weeks ago I had one of the worst colds I've ever had ('cause your immune system gets a little compromised when you've got another life form to support from the inside- also news for a normally healthy individual.)
I sneezed and coughed like nobody's business. Sure my stomach muscles got a touch stronger, but my kegel muscles were like, "Whoa Miss Thang- we've got A LOT going on right now and you really haven't been exercising us lately sooo...." Then like a guy you really dig, but he's breaking up with you they (my keegs) said, "It's not you, it's us. So, we're not gonna be able to work as effectively as we did before."  Yes, my body and it's various parts talk to me.

There have been times recently when I've had a helluh big sneeze. I knew it was coming- I prepared with the tissue etc...I was still not prepared for what would happen downstairs when, yes, I peed a little. Same thing happened when I had a coughing fit. But the worst one was when I was walking down the street in Brooklyn to visit a great friend who just became a mother to twins and some teenage kid handing out flyers said, "Hey Lady- you know who you look like?" I had to stop to hear this one because it's always interesting hearing who people think I resemble. The answers I've gotten have run the gamut from Pam Grier (HUGE compliment) to a "brown Sarah Jessica Parker" (um, still a compliment. Right? Watch my stand-up comedy @ this here.) But this young brother blew me away when he said, and I kid you not, "Britney Spears."  That made me laugh so hard, that yes, I peed a little. I mean come on you would too- bladder control or not!

P.S. If you like this and other of my blog entries please vote for me as I've been nominated for a Top 25 Mom Blog of NY. You can vote everyday for the next 10 days here: 

 http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012

Is Jessica Simpson an Elephant Or Is it Just Me?

Now before anyone gets all huffy I am NOT at all making a dig at her weight gain. I personally think those people who mocked or made fun of her in the media are jackasses and over-glorified bullies. Not that I’m the biggest Jessica Simpson fan in the world, but I do think she was absolutely gorgeous while she was prego. She glowed, as you're supposed to in that state and, yeah, sure, she put on about 50-60 lbs, but so-freakin’-what! A) You know it’s going to come off because she’s a celebrity that still HAS celebrity and shit to promote and B) Rumor is she’s got some serious motivation in the form of a several million dollar deal from Weight Watchers. So my comparing her to an elephant has nothing to do with her size, but rather how long this chick was pregnant. If you’re a National Geographic-head like me or you’re just up on your knowledge of Pachyderms then you know that elephants gestate for a good 22 months. See the connection! I mean is it me or doesn’t it feel like we’ve been hearing about Jessica Simpson being pregnant since fall of 2010?! I know it’s not her fault- I blame the media and her father Joe Simpson. I’m not saying it’s right but I am guilty of a little schadenfreude when it comes to the Simpson girls (Jessica and Ashlee) and the circumstances surrounding their natal-ness. I just think it’s so ironically fitting that Joe Simpson, a former Christian youth minister, has not one, but two daughters who got knocked up before they got married. I swear I’m not judging, but it just reeks of hypocrisy and irony. 

I'm seriously not judging. In today's day and age it's almost the norm (esp. if you're a celebrity) to get pregnant then get married same goes for when the clock is ticking for us over-30 moms. I just barely squeaked in as legal. My baby's due date is EXACTLY 9 months after my wedding date. So I just want to say congrats to Jessica and What's-His-Name on the birthday yesterday of their daughter Maxwell Drew. (Don't even get me started on the name.) Can't wait to see the spread in People magazine.

***So fyi I'm in a contest for the 25 Top Mom Blogs of NY- I would SO appreciate your vote ONLY a 10 days left. You don't have to give any personal info just click the button: http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012

Yes, I'll Have a Slippery Nipple Please!

Bartender, I’ll take a Slippery Nipple please- as in the awesome shot that's part Bailey's, part Kahlua, part Butterscotch Schnapps- as opposed to the itchy ones I've got now. Trust me, I can't believe it either.

 This being my 1st ever pregnancy my world has been turned on it's side. My body is reacting in crazy ways I didn't know possible to what is "still" an itty-bitty creature of a miracle inside of me. Aside from asthma and bouts with allergies I've been blessed with a pretty good health. (Thank God!) Although when I was younger for years I did have to deal with a terrible case of Eczema. Sometimes it would itch so much and I would scratch so badly that my mother would have to put socks on me when I went to bed so I wouldn't hurt myself. 
Well, right now I feel like I'm reverting back to those days. There are moments when I feel if someone caught me scratching as rabidly as I'd like to they be like, "Aw that poor junkie- but she looks so healthy & well-dressed to be a junkie- that's even more of a shame!" Y'all everything itches- but mostly my legs and get this, my nipples. Um, not cool! Sure, you can publicly bend down and soothe any itch below your waist that's not in your crotch region. Most people will even forgive a quick butt scratch- no biggie. But you can't really go to town and get your "scratch on" when what's itching is your REAL Victoria's Secret and you don't want it revealed. 

When the "girls" are setting you in fits there is NO WAY to quell the situation in public, well, at least not without looking like a perv doing "tune in Tokyo" on yourself. And it's not like it's something you can explain to people who may happen to catch you doing it. I mean what are you supposed to do? Coyly smile and pretend like you're removing bothersome lent from your top? I have no more words and unfortunately no solutions for this issue at hand or dare I say at breast, but, "Thank you Mother Nature. Thank you for this fun little pearl of pregnancy I wasn't expecting."

The 1st Official Dr. Appt.

Tomorrow is the first official Dr's visit. This will be the first time I get to hear the heart beat of the little sucker (s) who has been making me want to eat then toss my cookies for the past 12 weeks.
I'm super excited, but kinds nervous. I mean hearing a heartbeat is going to make it REAL! Right now, ironically, I think it's more real to my father and CJ than to me or my mom for that matter. Sure I feel a little different but I'm definitely not showing- sure I'm a little bloated and I have already started eating for two- actually I'm really just trying to combat the constant nausea. But I'm not going crazy- my jeans still fit! But other than that nothing's changed. Hah- except that I worry constantly about where I'm going to give birth- New York or Cali? How I'm going to do it- in a hospital with a doctor? At home with a midwife? Will we have everything we need and all the right stuff for this little creature? Then of course there's college! Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself- but it's what's going through my mind. Sue me.

Just Call Me "Gaseous Clay"

Go ahead- I won't be offended, feel free to call me "Gaseous Clay"- 'cause like Mohammed Ali and the LL Cool J song that's playing in my head as I type- "Momma said knock you out! I'm gonna knock you out"- with my gas that is!  Forget the pig farms in Missouri that are polluting the air with methane. I'm a one-woman toxic fume disaster! I am shocked the EPA hasn't shut my gastrointestinal system down. I literally feel like that gross little Garbage Pail Kid my brother used to collect when he was an equally disgusting little boy. Right now, I'm the exact opposite of the dainty Southern lady I was raised to be. 

I am the poster girl for the anti-debutante movement. I belch & pass gas like a frat boy on spring break except I'm not met with high-fives from my hubby- just looks of disbelief. It's unreal for me too! I thought men farted a lot- I became more privy to that after my husband and I moved in together. It's not even that they fart that much more than women they just seem to do it with such reckless abandon! I used to think- if were possible my husband, CJ's, flatulence could power all the electricity in our home. And if that were the case then Yours Truly could supply the energy for a small village at this point. No lie. What's sad is I can't even blame it on our dog. Speaking of which, God help our 7-lb. Chihuahua who still has the nerve to get under the covers with us at night. I love animals- ALL animals, but I'm pretty sure dutch-ovening a Chihuahua is considered abuse. It wouldn't surprise me if at any moment the K-9 unit from the dog police show on Animal Planet busts in the doors to our place to arrest me. I say: Bring It! Just be sure to wear your protective gas masks. The sign "Enter at Your Own Risk"- is not just a courtesy but an authentic warning.
                            

I Am In Awe

There are a lot of things I wonder about. Who is it exactly that determines what the hot colors are going to be next season? How is tofu made? How do nail polishes get their names? But since becoming prego at the top of my list of wonders is: How Does that Duggar Woman Do it?! Y'all know who I'm talking about, the woman in Arkansas who's on The Learning Channel's hit TV show "19 Kids and Counting." Even if you don't watch the show you have to have seen Michelle and her husband Jim Bob's mugs on the Today Show with their gaggle of children or gracing the cover People Magazine. They've been on there more times than George Clooney has been voted "Sexiest Man Alive"- and that's happened a few thousand times already.

Since becoming pregnant myself, and mind you I'm not that far along, but I already know what a mind and body altering experience it is! I'm not complaining- becoming a mommy is something I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. And I'll admit I always thought I'd look kinda cute with a baby bump. But what was in my head versus the reality is oh, just a touch different. Yes, it's a miracle and one that I embrace whole-heartedly, but it's an exhausting, draining, nauseating miracle that I can't believe that a woman like Michelle Duggar does on an almost annual basis. 

I'll be honest here as I have been and will continue to be my entire blog- I have been making fun of this woman for a few years now- and not just because all 19, 20...35 of her children have names that begin with the letter J.  But now I don't know if I'm scared of her or just completely in awe. This is my first pregnancy and she's had dozens- literally! I'm not condoning nor am I celebrating people like her who have children like it's their mission and responsibility to re-populate planet earth all on their own. But I will say that having gone through this madness twenty-some times this b*tch DOES deserve a tv show- actually her vagina really deserves the tv show but something tells me that TLC might not air that. Your thoughts?

How Long Do you Keep the Secret..i.e. Who to Tell Who Not to Tell?

If you've done so much as read the title of this blog then you know I am stand-up comic- which is sort of like being a gossip- a really funny gossip. The difference is the dirt I dish is already out when I talk about it on stage which is what makes it funny 'cause everyone hopefully knows what the hell I'm talking about. As a comic it is my job and passion to share information- especially about ME! Don't get me wrong- I'm a great secret keeper when it's someone else's secret, but since it's my business it's been a little tougher than usual upholding the "12 week/ getting through the 1st trimester rule". Especially when I want to explain to people why I randomly burst into tears on an airplane, or turn into a "mean girl" for no reason, or why I can't make it to a great friend's birthday party in The Village that starts at 9:30pm on a MONDAY night! (BTW I realize that if you're anywhere but New York City or have never lived here you're mouth is probably agape at that start time- especially on a school night.) But as a veteran New Yorker of 15 years that is nothing to bat an eye at. However, when you've gone ALL day w/ your tah-tahs aching and feeling like you've been riding the Tower of Terror non-stop it makes it a bit difficult to re-shower, apply make-up, catch a cab and pay $8 for a ginger ale while standing in stilettos in a minimalist bar.

My hush-hush secret will eventually have to come out. I mean in a matter of months I'm going to look like I've swallowed a watermelon whole or have suddenly turned from a social wine drinker into Norm from Cheers. In the mean time, I guess, I'll just have to suck it up when people assume I gave up the ghost and the gym after getting married.