Dear God...A Mommy's Prayer

Dear God,
 
I know that for years- even when I was a little girl I prayed for the day I would become a mother. 

You heard me and in Your infinite wisdom You knew it was something that I would NOT have been ready for in my 20's. 

That's why you didn't have me meet CJ until a few years ago.

I LOVE being a mom about 92.8% of the time but it's that 7.2% I'd like to chat with you about. I am now on my second baby in two years (again VERY grateful), but if you could wave your magic wand or whatever it is you do when answering prayers I will be forever in your debt. Here is my request list in no particular order:

* Can I please sneeze without having to change my underpants?

* Could I get more than 4 hours of sleep a night?

*Now, I realize this one is asking a lot, but could I please poop in private without my toddler or Chihuahua busting down the door?

* Could I have a phone conversation without someone shouting, "Mom! Mom! Mom!!!" 1500 times until I get off the phone and then I get the silent treatment?

*Can I eat one meal and not have to share it?

I'm not asking to be relieved of diaper duty or even to never be vomited on again, but if You could just let one or ALL of the above happen in the same week I would gladly start my own religion in Your Name. Amen!

A Dear Kate is WAAAAY Better Than A Dear John

I like to think that I have A LOT in common with you. And by you, I mean my amazing audience of mommies, soon-to-be mommies and folks who accidentally wandered on to this site because you randomly Googled the word "panties."
(I'm not judging)
 

Fyi this is NOT me modeling Dear Kate's Starlet Collection, if it were the skin would be browner and thighs touching.

I like to think our commonalities include wanting to be amazing parents, being responsible citizens of the world and fashionable people...at least in our own circles or minds. I also hope a major quality we share is that we can all take a step back and have a good laugh...especially at some of the "not so funny" stuff that comes along with pregnancy and the aftermath.

This actually was me when Baby Bean was positioning herself on my bladder.

Like the fact that now when you sneeze, laugh or cough too hard there's a REALLY good chance you'll pee your pants a little. (Good times!) Those of you who've been following this blog for a while know that 'ish caught me completely off guard; but true to my promise of "keeping it real" I covered this topic way back in the early throws of my pregnancy. You can read all about it in an entry aptly titled Didja Pee a Little?

I lamented in that blog post that there was no solution to this embarrassing problem except to buy bulky products that make you feel weird and awkward- 'cause who doesn't like walking bow-legged because they've got what feels like a foam surf board in their drawers?  Someone must have read my mind!

Sanctuary!!!!  MADE IN AMERICA- Eat it China!

Because what I didn't know until now was that an incredible company named Dear Kate was the answer to all of our unfashionable, incontinent, uncomfortable underwear prayers. With one of the GREATEST aspects of this company being that they're made in the USA. (Hello!!! How awesome is that?!)

Well, I wish that I could say that those days of "baby bladder" are long gone. That now that I've had my baby, my body has gone right back to where it was pre-baby- as did my bodily functions and control. But let's have a moment of clarity here- even if you are Heidi-f'ing-Klum and you're on some lingerie runway 6 weeks after giving birth guess what you're still going to have issues.
 

You know behind that smile Heidi's thinking "Ugh, I wish I had some Dear Kate's on right now 'cause I'm about to sneeze!"

And let's be honest for those of us who are still trying to get that baby weight off that's the only solace we have is knowing that while Heidi's sitting in her cushy little chair on America's Got Talent laughing at something snarky Howie Mandel or Howard Stern said- she most likely just tinkled herself... and because she's NOT wearing her Dear Kate panties it's a hot mess.

As the proud owner of a pair of Dear Kate Starlet Hipster panties I can sing their praise from personal experience. However, I wouldn't recommend a non-stop cross-country trip bat-sh*t-crazy-stalker-astronaut style in them, but for everyday life, esp. when you want to feel good and sexy- these are the panties that are calling your name Girlfriend. (btw does anyone else remember that crazy story?!) 
 

Hello- who doesn't picnic in their panties?! If you don't already Dear Kate will give you the confidence to do so.

Because Dear Kate wants you to know the joy and relief their product can offer they are giving a $10 discount through the end of July 2013 on the Dear Kate panties with the discount code: "DOPClove"

*Full disclosure I was fortunate enough to receive a pair of Dear Kate Starlet Hipster panties to try out courtesy of Dear Kate. But all of the opinions and funny (I hope you thought so too) comments are mine.

"Didja Pee A Little?"

I wish I could say that was a cute little camp song that I can't get out of my head now that summer is upon us. But alas, it is not. It is what my husband, CJ, says to me not once, not twice, but countless times a day. What makes it all the more tragic is that when I say "yes" he laughs- lovingly and I hope sympathetically, but he still gets a giggle from it.

That is because in conjunction with summer comes hay fever which translates into LOTS of sneezing for me. And now thanks to whatever powers that be, I pee myself a little -- about 90% of the time I sneeze. 

 
Fortunately it's not noticable, I mean I don't look like poor Fergie during a Black Eyed Pea concert or anything, but I KNOW what just happened and that's enough.

You have no idea how I wish this was just a bit for my comedy act, but it's freakin' true. It's also another thing my loving "already-mommy" friends neglected to share with me. Sure they told me that AFTER the baby is born things "down stairs" won't be the exact same as they were PB (pre-baby), but NO ONE told me this s#!t was going to start before the kid popped out.

I literally now carry a spare change of panties in my purse- just in case. Before this was something I did only when traveling just in case my luggage was lost. (BTW that's an awesome tip for anyone who has ever to check luggage. It's also wise to carry-on an extra bra too- 'cause you never know when the airlines are going to F- it up. Just like peeing yourself it happens when you least expect it!)

Now, I look at ads for products like Poise that Whoopi Goldberg does and I'm like, "Um, Jessica Simpson or Tori Spelling should really be one of their spokesmodels- that would be just as realistic and it wouldn't make women like me who aren't menopausal yet feel bad. And I do feel bad- I feel like I should be able to control it, but I can't. I dread sneezing, but I can't hold them in especially when it's triggered by allergies.

Yes, it's TRUE Brook Burke and I now have something in common

The ONLY thing that does make me feel better is knowing that women who look amazing, have had tons of kids and seem to have it all- like say Brooke Burke- every time she coughs uncontrollably, laughs too hard or screams "Ah-choo" she has without a doubt peed herself a little too.

I'll be honest that definitely helps me sleep at night.

Green-Eyed Monster Monday

Welcome to this week's Green-Eyed Monster Monday: Who I'm Jealous of Today and Why? And the winner IS... (drum roll please) any woman who still has 100% complete control of her bladder. I'll give you 3 guesses on who didn't know this too was one of the awesome side effects of being pregnant. Thanks again Mother Nature for this  not so pleasant surprise. The only reason I know about this fun little diddy is because a few weeks ago I had one of the worst colds I've ever had ('cause your immune system gets a little compromised when you've got another life form to support from the inside- also news for a normally healthy individual.)
I sneezed and coughed like nobody's business. Sure my stomach muscles got a touch stronger, but my kegel muscles were like, "Whoa Miss Thang- we've got A LOT going on right now and you really haven't been exercising us lately sooo...." Then like a guy you really dig, but he's breaking up with you they (my keegs) said, "It's not you, it's us. So, we're not gonna be able to work as effectively as we did before."  Yes, my body and it's various parts talk to me.

There have been times recently when I've had a helluh big sneeze. I knew it was coming- I prepared with the tissue etc...I was still not prepared for what would happen downstairs when, yes, I peed a little. Same thing happened when I had a coughing fit. But the worst one was when I was walking down the street in Brooklyn to visit a great friend who just became a mother to twins and some teenage kid handing out flyers said, "Hey Lady- you know who you look like?" I had to stop to hear this one because it's always interesting hearing who people think I resemble. The answers I've gotten have run the gamut from Pam Grier (HUGE compliment) to a "brown Sarah Jessica Parker" (um, still a compliment. Right? Watch my stand-up comedy @ this here.) But this young brother blew me away when he said, and I kid you not, "Britney Spears."  That made me laugh so hard, that yes, I peed a little. I mean come on you would too- bladder control or not!

P.S. If you like this and other of my blog entries please vote for me as I've been nominated for a Top 25 Mom Blog of NY. You can vote everyday for the next 10 days here: 

 http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012