Do Ugly Babies Exist?

Now some of y'all are going to have some issues with this post, but I'm not here to people please, (well, not entirely.) I'm here to tell it like it is and to tell the truth- and hopefully give you a chuckle. As a mother of an almost toddler with a new one on the way I am smack dab in the middle of the baby storm.  Part of this "Babynado", if you will, includes the much heated debate on whether or not babies can or can't be ugly?

I hope this blog entry clears it up. The answer y'all is YES! A resounding YES. I know, I know I'm supposed to say all babies are gifts from God and they are beautiful. I DO believe that ALL babies are gifts from God, but they are not all asthetically pleasing to the eye. Am I lying?!

 

The Original Baby Bean now aka the Chicklet at 10 days old still not even 5 lbs.

I got lucky! Even though my baby came out super duper tiny she still didn't have that crazy newborn "lookin' like a 90-year-old man" look to her. And don't think I'm getting up on my high horse. I have a picture or two of her where she very closely resembles "Roger" from American Dad in the beginning. But fortunately that was a short phase.

Plain and simple some babies are just not attractive, just like some people are not attractive- does that mean you should acknowledge that? Hell, no! At least not to their face or their parent's face. You save your comments for when you are alone with your best friend, mother, sister or husband- if he has tendencies to be as catty as you are and then you let loose.

It is especially hard not to comment when one or both of the parents are extremely good-looking and they give birth to an extra from The Walking Dead. And even I admit it's hard not to take some delight when you go on Facebook and see that a former homecoming queen gave birth to little trolls. Yes, I know I'm going to hell- but that journey started when I began this blog entry talkin' about people's ugly babies.

I figured it was time to talk about this because I've been seeing A LOT of ugly babies lately. I'm kidding (sort of), but it was a topic of debate recently on CafeMom, one of the mommy sites I frequent, under the title "What Do You Say When A Friend Has An Ugly Baby?" Most people felt it was a real quandary, but be put in. Many women took the high road saying that "no baby is ugly." 

These are also probably the same women who don't think you should have alcohol before noon. Um, hello God created Bloody Marys and Mimosas for a reason. That reason is called brunch. But the majority of women agreed that when faced with commenting on a friends less than attractive offspring you "say nothing" or you comment on how sweet the baby is. Because "all babies are sweet". Although I believe that's up for debate as well.

My great-uncle, God rest his soul, came up with THE perfect solution when one comes face to face with an ugly baby and their maker. It's a very Southern approach much like, saying "Bless Your Heart" instead of cussin' someone out. You simply look at the child (being sure not to cringe 'cause that's a dead give away) then you look at the parent and with a genuine smile on your face you say, "Uh-huh! Now that's a baby!" And that's how ugly babies came to be known at "Uh-huh babies" in our household.
 
 'Cause here's the deal, every parent believes that the creature they created is the most fabulous gorgeous thing that's ever been made- as they should. Now, I'm sure there are a few exceptions- there always are. But those parents are wise not to let on-- to their baby or anyone else that they think their kid is atrocious. The good news is everyone has an "ugly duckling phase" mine was from about 13-18 (perfect timing Thanks God!) for some that period is just infanthood and hopefully if they're lucky they'll grow out of it. If not you just stress that looks aren't that important- money is!

*JFTR: Just for the record this is a completely satirical piece while there are some truths that were said I am in no way shape or form mocking or poking fun at children who were born with birth defects or any other malady. Duh!

How Long Do you Keep the Secret..i.e. Who to Tell Who Not to Tell?

If you've done so much as read the title of this blog then you know I am stand-up comic- which is sort of like being a gossip- a really funny gossip. The difference is the dirt I dish is already out when I talk about it on stage which is what makes it funny 'cause everyone hopefully knows what the hell I'm talking about. As a comic it is my job and passion to share information- especially about ME! Don't get me wrong- I'm a great secret keeper when it's someone else's secret, but since it's my business it's been a little tougher than usual upholding the "12 week/ getting through the 1st trimester rule". Especially when I want to explain to people why I randomly burst into tears on an airplane, or turn into a "mean girl" for no reason, or why I can't make it to a great friend's birthday party in The Village that starts at 9:30pm on a MONDAY night! (BTW I realize that if you're anywhere but New York City or have never lived here you're mouth is probably agape at that start time- especially on a school night.) But as a veteran New Yorker of 15 years that is nothing to bat an eye at. However, when you've gone ALL day w/ your tah-tahs aching and feeling like you've been riding the Tower of Terror non-stop it makes it a bit difficult to re-shower, apply make-up, catch a cab and pay $8 for a ginger ale while standing in stilettos in a minimalist bar.

My hush-hush secret will eventually have to come out. I mean in a matter of months I'm going to look like I've swallowed a watermelon whole or have suddenly turned from a social wine drinker into Norm from Cheers. In the mean time, I guess, I'll just have to suck it up when people assume I gave up the ghost and the gym after getting married.