My Child, A Future NASCAR Driver...WTF?!!!

So I've had some pretty ludicrous conversations with my husband in our relatively short time together. I am a comedian and he's Australian- 'nough said. I'll be the first person to say comics are odd birds and anyone who knows and loves an Aussie understands that this group of people are typically very often lacking in the filter department. Intelligence aside, they can let stuff slip out of their mouths that if it were a visual thing you'd do a double take. 

What I find fascinating is that some of the most absurd conversations have occurred the past few weeks since "our" pregnancy has gone into full swing. A few of these conversations have been covered in this blog from our "Baby Naming Debates" to "S#!T One Should NEVER Say to One's Pregnant Wife".  A classic conversation last week revolved CJ suggesting that we NEVER have a diaper touch our baby's bottom. (I kid you not!) I truly couldn't make this up if I wanted to. I've been wanting to blog about this, but every time I think about it I just shake my head in disbelief. 

Now, in my husband's defense, I appreciate his desire to a) be GREEN and b) fiscally responsible. But THAT is why we're doing G-Diapers or some kind of fabulous earth friendly cloth diapers.  

Now the other thing in my husband's defense is that this was NOT an original thought of his own. (Thank God!) The brother-in-law of the Russian Super-model mom I talked about in my blog "Ah! The Joys of Little Boys" informed CJ during one of their male bonding visits that this woman, his sister-in-law from the former USSR, NEVER once used diapers on her boys- EVER! When he first told me this I called bullshit! 

There's no way any baby in the Western world in today's society has gone diaperless their entire babyhood. But CJ swore up and down it was a Russian thing- and I just didn't understand. So he kept challenging me to call her and see what the trick was so our baby could be just as well trained. I was like, "I don't have to call her because I know what you're saying is INSANE!". Well, they finally caught up with one another on Facebook and it was revealed that although Miss Russia's boys were potty trained early they still wore diapers through at least their sixth month. Told ya so! RIDICULOUS!

Well, the conversation tonight went from the ridiculous to the sublime. We just finished watching the NBA Finals (Poor Oklahoma City Thunder- they got served!) and there was a commercial for ESPN and all sorts of sports. I commented on how happy I'd be if our child played soccer or basketball or even danced- (football is off the table as both of us feel it's just too high a risk for head injuries). It was then that CJ, who is a motorcycle and motocross enthusiast, says, "Or racing." He then tells me about how one of his best friends who's also mad about motocross is looking to buy his son a go-kart. This child is 7 MONTHS OLD!!! He's just barely mastered sitting up by himself.  CJ was like, "I should do that for our baby." (Insert double take here!) 

I was being a smart ass when I said, "Do you have any idea what that could lead too?! You want our baby in NASCAR?!" And that illicited this response:

CJ: "You know, that would be pretty incredible! Do you have ANY idea how badly NASCAR is looking to have a Black driver?! Hello Ca-ching! And if we have a girl?!! Are you kidding me a FEMALE BLACK NASCAR driver! That's like printing money! AND she'd be beautiful!!! Forget about it. I'm going to look on-line for go-karts now."

That's when I excused myself from the conversation- or just stopped listening however you'd like to envision me tuning out and started writing this blog entry- aka my therapy.

God help us all. Especially little Baby Bean.

S#!t You Shoud NEVER Say to Your Pregnant Wife!

Not two days ago, my husband and I were talking about our birth plan; I brought up the fact that I wanted to have doula. He duly asked, "What's a doula?"  I explained that she was a cross between a midwife, a coach, a mentor and a super hero for pregnant women. She would be an extra set of hands around during the birth if something, God forbid, goes wrong and she would be there after to help with the transition period of going from no baby to having a screaming, crying, pooping miracle in our lives. I also mentioned that she probably would be an out of pocket expense, as insurance doesn't typically cover them. 
To which my normally super-intelligent husband replied, "You don't need a doula. You'll be fine. I'll be there. I've helped out when cows were being born on the farm I grew up on in Australia." (Insert needle on the record scratch here!!!)  

For the record, I didn't immediately start yelling at my husband. I did stare in silence for a good 5-7 seconds giving him ample time to see if he'd realize his faux pas and jump back in the conversation with a, "I was just kidding, Honey." He did not. And that is when I lost my mind. I don't remember verbatim what I said, but it was something along the lines of, "Are you f*@#ing kidding me?! You're comparing the birth of your first child to the birth of a calf on your farm?! Which also by default means you're comparing me to a cow?! How dare you call me a heifer you cheap bastard! Don't talk to me! In fact don't even look at me right now. I can't believe you!"

Hindsight is 20/20 and I'm certain looking back now, that I read a little more into his comments than I needed to. But I think we all (at least anyone who has been pregnant) can unanimously agree that that was some dumb s#!t to say to your pregnant bloated emotional wife who's excited and somewhat nervous about expecting her first child. Am I right?

I knew I couldn't be alone in this so I polled some of my friends to see what brilliance came out of their significant others un-filtered mouths. Here are some other dumb things husbands/partners have said to the women carrying their seed:
 
A girlfriend who is currently 6 months pregnant with their 3rd child had her husband recently say to her: "Wow your arms don't look as big as usual, since you're stomach is sooo big." He quickly apologized and insisted that she took it the wrong way. Um, how was she supposed to take it?!

Another friend's husband had the audacity to tell her, "I think you need to be back on your depression medication." Yeah, that or find a different man to help her raise her baby.

While expecting their first child a friend's husband said, "Why do you need to read a book about this?" Now that the baby is 4 months old he's constantly coming to her for answers. She also got more gems from her hubby like, "Why are you always so tired?" But the classic came while her head was in the toilet bowl, "Vomiting again, huh?" Gee, what do you think dumbass?

Although she was done with the pregnancy part a dear friend's now ex-husband takes the cake for most obnoxious behavior. While she was breastfeeding this jackass made moo-ing noises. Really??!!

One of my favorites comes from my dear friend comedian Kerri-Louise and mind you her husband is a comic too. While she was in the hospital in labor, and clearly in pain- he says to her, "Stop moaning, people are going to think we're having sex in here!" That's a classic. And she surprisingly still speaks to him.

While pregnant with her second child, one of my best friends and fellow comedian Mary Kennedy had her husband say to her, "You really should take your gay best friend to labor and delivery this time- been there done that." I am pleased to say that he did end up going and they are still VERY married.

But the first place winner of dumb shit said to their pregnant wife goes to the husband of one of my Facebook friends. He said, ‎"I have to go to Philadelphia for this training thing for work right around your due date. Don't worry though, 'cause I'm flying my mom in from Ohio to stay with you that week 'just in case'. But don't worry I'm one plane flight away. Labor lasts for HOURS and sometimes ALL DAY so if you go into labor I'll still get there on time!" Oh, he's a keeper!!!

By they way if any of you have stories or similar experiences please feel free to share! We're all in this together.

P.S. If you like this and other of my blog entries please vote for me as I've been nominated for a Top 25 Mom Blog of NY. You can vote everyday for the next 13 days here: 

 http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012