Me and My Geriatric Pregnancy...REALLY?!

As a comedian, I'm sensitive, that's part of what makes me so good at my "art". That is what comedians do, we find humor in pain. But as sensitive as I am, I'm not that easily offended especially when something is done or said with humor as the intention. One of my life rules is: All is fair in love and comedy. But I was so deeply offended the first time I heard about this category and I have been ever since that it's taken me almost 8 months to write about it. Geriatric Pregnancy. 

Now if you're a visual person, as I am, aren't you picturing a little old granny on a Rascal rockin' a baby bump?! Well don't, not just because its slightly disturbing, but it's also a false image. Instead picture me, possibly you or any of your other friends who are pregnant that were born during or before 1978/1977- cause that's who the hell that term refers to. I sh*t you not. 

Sure you can look young and be in great shape, but if you're 35 and older you're not only considered "at risk" 'cause you're f*cking ancient to be pregnant by medical standards, but geriatric! As someone who doesn't look my real age (thank you melanin and good genes) and who's not looking to start taking Centrum Silver anytime soon I find that term truly offensive.

It makes me want to go off on a Bridget Jones-like rant from my bed. "I'm sorry medical society that I put my career first for a bit, or that I wasted my time with idiots who didn't want to get married or have kids, but I thought they did! I'm sooo sorry I lived in New York City for so long- THE biggest playground in the world where hardly anyone wants to settle down because they're constantly looking for the next best thing and people think if you get married before 30 you're insane! But just because it took me a little longer to find the RIGHT guy does not mean that I should be punished by your lame and cruel phraseology- I'm so pissed I don't even know if that's a real word or not!" 

Turns out "phraseology" is a real word- I spell just checked it. My rage is also real. I think I'm most upset about the fact that I'm still young at heart, vibrant, full of life and energy (figuratively & quite literally right now) and the medical world is trying to make me feel like the Crypt Keeper. NOT OKAY! 

I'm sticking with what Aaliyah said, God rest her soul, "Age ain't nothin' but a number!" Guess I should just be glad I'm getting on it before my breast milk curdles. 

INS = Itchy Nipple Syndrome

That's right, the INS I'm referring to in the title of this e-mail stands for something entirely different NOW! And it has NOTHING to do with immigration or legalities or insurance, but rather with one of our most precious assets Ladies, well, technically two of our most precious assets.

I'm talking about "The Girls". The tah-tahs, Laverne & Shirley, Thelma & Louise, or as I like to call them my Preciouses. This blog entry isn't about them per se but more about what happens to them when one gets pregnant. Sure they grow and expand- that's to be expected, but what caught me off guard was that they were going to itch like hell. Itchy Nipple Syndrome- the new INS- is serious and it affects more women than we know. Part of what has me up in arms about INS is that NO ONE, not ONE single friend mentioned this might be a side affect of getting knocked-up. Which leads me to my next issue which is that no one has dared to suggest or offer a cure.

I think it's almost cruel that we are letting our sisters down about this. And I'm kinda pissed off that I had to hear about a way to remedy this symptom not just from a man, but two men. And not just two men, but two male comedians on none other than the Blue Collar Radio network on Sirius/XM. I don't recall who one of them was but the other is my dear friend Larry The Cable Guy. In both their acts they referenced using cabbage leaves to help with this uncomfortable and annoying condition. I was shocked! Shocked! But I'm willing to try it. 

My Darling husband, CJ (Bless his heart) suggested that it may in fact just be propaganda from the cabbage farmers to get women to buy more cabbage. Yes, sadly I did dignify his theory with a response. I said, "So you think it's like the dairy farmers and industry who try to convince the general public that milk give you more calcium than other foods and helps you build stronger bones?" CJ said, "Yes, exactly!" (Head shaking). 

All I know is next Tuesday guess who's going to the local farmers market and coming home with a head of cabbage. The only thing is I don't know whether to get the red or green kind. A smart woman would get both and just use the left over for cold slaw. Right?

***So fyi I'm in a contest for the 25 Top Mom Blogs of NY- I would SO appreciate your vote ONLY a 10 days left. You don't have to give any personal info just click the button: http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012

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My Child, A Future NASCAR Driver...WTF?!!!

So I've had some pretty ludicrous conversations with my husband in our relatively short time together. I am a comedian and he's Australian- 'nough said. I'll be the first person to say comics are odd birds and anyone who knows and loves an Aussie understands that this group of people are typically very often lacking in the filter department. Intelligence aside, they can let stuff slip out of their mouths that if it were a visual thing you'd do a double take. 

What I find fascinating is that some of the most absurd conversations have occurred the past few weeks since "our" pregnancy has gone into full swing. A few of these conversations have been covered in this blog from our "Baby Naming Debates" to "S#!T One Should NEVER Say to One's Pregnant Wife".  A classic conversation last week revolved CJ suggesting that we NEVER have a diaper touch our baby's bottom. (I kid you not!) I truly couldn't make this up if I wanted to. I've been wanting to blog about this, but every time I think about it I just shake my head in disbelief. 

Now, in my husband's defense, I appreciate his desire to a) be GREEN and b) fiscally responsible. But THAT is why we're doing G-Diapers or some kind of fabulous earth friendly cloth diapers.  

Now the other thing in my husband's defense is that this was NOT an original thought of his own. (Thank God!) The brother-in-law of the Russian Super-model mom I talked about in my blog "Ah! The Joys of Little Boys" informed CJ during one of their male bonding visits that this woman, his sister-in-law from the former USSR, NEVER once used diapers on her boys- EVER! When he first told me this I called bullshit! 

There's no way any baby in the Western world in today's society has gone diaperless their entire babyhood. But CJ swore up and down it was a Russian thing- and I just didn't understand. So he kept challenging me to call her and see what the trick was so our baby could be just as well trained. I was like, "I don't have to call her because I know what you're saying is INSANE!". Well, they finally caught up with one another on Facebook and it was revealed that although Miss Russia's boys were potty trained early they still wore diapers through at least their sixth month. Told ya so! RIDICULOUS!

Well, the conversation tonight went from the ridiculous to the sublime. We just finished watching the NBA Finals (Poor Oklahoma City Thunder- they got served!) and there was a commercial for ESPN and all sorts of sports. I commented on how happy I'd be if our child played soccer or basketball or even danced- (football is off the table as both of us feel it's just too high a risk for head injuries). It was then that CJ, who is a motorcycle and motocross enthusiast, says, "Or racing." He then tells me about how one of his best friends who's also mad about motocross is looking to buy his son a go-kart. This child is 7 MONTHS OLD!!! He's just barely mastered sitting up by himself.  CJ was like, "I should do that for our baby." (Insert double take here!) 

I was being a smart ass when I said, "Do you have any idea what that could lead too?! You want our baby in NASCAR?!" And that illicited this response:

CJ: "You know, that would be pretty incredible! Do you have ANY idea how badly NASCAR is looking to have a Black driver?! Hello Ca-ching! And if we have a girl?!! Are you kidding me a FEMALE BLACK NASCAR driver! That's like printing money! AND she'd be beautiful!!! Forget about it. I'm going to look on-line for go-karts now."

That's when I excused myself from the conversation- or just stopped listening however you'd like to envision me tuning out and started writing this blog entry- aka my therapy.

God help us all. Especially little Baby Bean.