Have Kids? Will Travel!!!

A few weeks ago in NYC I was a guest on John Fugelsang'sTV show VIEWPOINT.

If you're a follower of this blog then you know that I am now a bi-coastal MOMMY who is doing my best to keep up with my comedy, speaking and television career as well as being a full-time Mom. Since Baby Bean was born almost 7 months ago this kid has been to 8 of the 50 states in the U.S. and flown on about 20 airplanes (counting connecting flights). 

It's a shame she doesn't get the frequent flyer miles!!!

I'll be completely honest here. In all of those flights we've ONLY had one major meltdown where I was the embarrassed mommy on the plane praying that the people surrounding me were parents too and had sympathy for my situation. But 19 times out of 20 we've de-boarded with our heads held high and my daughter being the recipient of the "Best Baby on Board Award." Yes, I totally made that up, but I'm actually thinking of getting ribbons made for airlines to hand out.

I wish could take all the credit for her being such an incredible little traveler, but I honestly believe it's a combination of her father and I being a first rate world travelers, having chill & positive attitudes and luck of the draw with her just being a rockstar baby. I totally intend on sharing some of my travel secrets in future blog entries, but in the meantime I've got some tips from guest blogger, Kendra Thornton, an expert world traveler and mother of 3 who is also the former Director of Communications for Orbitz.

Kendra Thornton, traveling mom of 3

Here are  Kendra's tips for traveling with your little ones this summer:

Safe Travels with Happy Kids

Travel is much more enjoyable when you have healthy and happy children in tow. I know how rough travel can be with children who are crabby and upset because they have been taken out of their elements. With a bit of preparation and thought, your children are sure to love their next excursion.

• Tip 1:When I take my children to theme parks, I always make sure that we eat a hearty breakfast. Theme park food is notoriously overpriced, as tempting as it might be. The breakfast you can supply your family with outside the park is also more likely to be high in nutrients, whereas traditional amusement park fare is loaded with sugar. I would encourage you to still make healthy decisions at fast food locations if you must stop for something on-the-go!

• Tip 2:Infants and young children need to have consistency in their sleep schedules, whether they are at home or not. Creating a sleeping environment that will remind the children of home is the best way to ensure that the entire family gets a night of rest. It is a good idea to bring along blankets, pacifiers and music that the children are accustomed to. You definitely do not want to forget your child’s favorite bedtime story.

• Tip 3: Children are bound to get restless during the transportation phase of the vacation, whether you are taking a road trip or jet setting. An audio book will satisfy some children and keep them quiet. I like that I can put a selection of books on my iPod, plug in some headphones and the kids are occupied.

Another comedy baby. Does it get any cuter?! She's SO zen!!!

• Tip 4: Before booking a hotel room, ensure that it is completely family friendly. The hotel’s website is obviously a biased source of information so seek out reviews from reliable sources and people who have spent time there. I always make sure that my hotel rooms include refrigerators and microwaves so that we do not have to go out for food anytime we are hungry. I also like to check out the nearby businesses for grocery stores. I am also always on the lookout for nurseries, meals and playgrounds on-site. Keep in mind that many Orlando hotels in Walt Disney World offer quiet hours to ensure that their visitors (children especially) get a solids night rest.

•Tip 5: I try to prepare a hygiene travel kit for every vacation. You just never know when soap and water are unavailable. I include hand sanitizer and wet wipes so that I can clean up spills, messy hands, and potentially "germy" door knobs.

The goal for any vacation should be to plan accordingly without going over the top. It is easy to try to plan each and every detail, but it is highly unlikely that everything will go according to plan. I have found that planning is nice, but it is much nicer to have happy children.

Me and My Geriatric Pregnancy...REALLY?!

As a comedian, I'm sensitive, that's part of what makes me so good at my "art". That is what comedians do, we find humor in pain. But as sensitive as I am, I'm not that easily offended especially when something is done or said with humor as the intention. One of my life rules is: All is fair in love and comedy. But I was so deeply offended the first time I heard about this category and I have been ever since that it's taken me almost 8 months to write about it. Geriatric Pregnancy. 

Now if you're a visual person, as I am, aren't you picturing a little old granny on a Rascal rockin' a baby bump?! Well don't, not just because its slightly disturbing, but it's also a false image. Instead picture me, possibly you or any of your other friends who are pregnant that were born during or before 1978/1977- cause that's who the hell that term refers to. I sh*t you not. 

Sure you can look young and be in great shape, but if you're 35 and older you're not only considered "at risk" 'cause you're f*cking ancient to be pregnant by medical standards, but geriatric! As someone who doesn't look my real age (thank you melanin and good genes) and who's not looking to start taking Centrum Silver anytime soon I find that term truly offensive.

It makes me want to go off on a Bridget Jones-like rant from my bed. "I'm sorry medical society that I put my career first for a bit, or that I wasted my time with idiots who didn't want to get married or have kids, but I thought they did! I'm sooo sorry I lived in New York City for so long- THE biggest playground in the world where hardly anyone wants to settle down because they're constantly looking for the next best thing and people think if you get married before 30 you're insane! But just because it took me a little longer to find the RIGHT guy does not mean that I should be punished by your lame and cruel phraseology- I'm so pissed I don't even know if that's a real word or not!" 

Turns out "phraseology" is a real word- I spell just checked it. My rage is also real. I think I'm most upset about the fact that I'm still young at heart, vibrant, full of life and energy (figuratively & quite literally right now) and the medical world is trying to make me feel like the Crypt Keeper. NOT OKAY! 

I'm sticking with what Aaliyah said, God rest her soul, "Age ain't nothin' but a number!" Guess I should just be glad I'm getting on it before my breast milk curdles. 

At Least I Don't Have Hemorrhoids...

I know, I know that is not the most positive way to start out a blog entry...but after getting less than 2 hours collectively of sleep last night I'm grasping for whatever tidbits of positivity I can to make myself feel better. 'Cause today I'm bloody shot,  as they say. I've always prided myself on being someone who not only sees the glass half full, but appreciates that it is glass and not some crappy plastic cup from a bar that's contaminated with BPA. But it's taking A LOT to keep my chin up right now.

I have already called my mother crying a) because she gets it and she's only 1 hour behind me in Texas b) because my husband CJ is 3 hours behind me in California right now and most likely still asleep. But not to worry I've got enough tears stored up so I can cry to him later when he's fully awake and can appreciate my misery without being groggy. (Um, where's the fun in bitching to someone who's half-asleep?)

I think what annoys me most is that just a few days ago I was bragging to anyone who would listen about great I was doing. I truly was on this incredible feel good streak. I was almost high. I kept thinking, "this pregnancy thing isn't so bad." I was taking on the NYC subway stairs like a champ, running around town performing, having brunch and going to weddings just outside of the City in New Jersey with no pain or swollen extremities. Now just 72 hours later that seems like a distant memory. What really doesn't help is that it's hot, overcast and there's about 95% humidity. Hello?! When the heck did NYC become New Orleans?

What really is scaring the hell out of me right now are my friends- and I use that word loosely- who now are like, "Well you think it sucks now, just wait until the 9th month. You're really going to be miserable." Well, fan-f*cking-tastic! Thanks ladies!

I guess all I can do is do what I do best, try not to wallow in it, remember that this is a temporary state and that the outcome will be SO worth it, and of course I must find the humor in it! That right there is the key to life, right? And it could be worse, I could have hemorrhoids! But I don't so I'm going to count my blessings and be grateful that at least I can still sit and poop like a regular person.

*Just an FYI  DO NOT Google hemorrhoid images. It is NOT a pretty picture! 

Also I am currently in a contest for the 25 Top Mom Blogs of NY- I would SO appreciate your vote ONLY a 9 days left. You don't have to give any personal info just click the button by my name from this link: http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012

I'm Not Fat, I'm Pregnant....

that's the sign I want to wear around my neck although it would probably be best displayed on my ass. I apparently am one of those "lucky" women who fall into the category of pregnant, but-not-really-looking-like-it. 

This has been confirmed by several sources including CJ, my darling husband, who told me the other day, "You really don't look pregnant just chubby- like you've gained some weight"...quickly followed with, "You're still beautiful...to me." I know he meant well so I didn't get upset. Pick your battles right married people?

The fact of the matter is I do look like I've started up a love affair again with all things carb. But that's only partly true- I still eat my veggies and am making sure to get more protein, but I don't have that cute little bump that I am so envious of in others who are as far along as me. Maybe it's because this is my first and although I haven't been an athlete for years my core and stomach muscles are hanging on for dear life and trying to hold down the fort as long as they can.

I just feel worse when other people acknowledge it. For example the new doctor I went to the other day for my asthma- after she finished listening to my lungs she looked at my chart and said, "It says here that you're pregnant." I nodded yes, to which she replied, "Wow, you don't really look like it." Great so you just think I'm a chunker!

The thing is I'm not sure if this is a compliment or not. I mean I have gained some weight, about 20lbs, but it's spread out evenly and not in my face- and aside from my jeans and few pairs of slacks I still fit into my clothes and they look good. I guess, what I'm saying is that while in NYC I'd fall into the category of "pleasantly plump." In LA "I'm a beached whale." But in the mid-west I'd still be considered anorexic. 

When CJ and I went to tour the local hospital the other night I was totally eyeing all of the other expectant mommies many of whom were further along than me. They were bigger than me of course. But there were a few who were only a couple weeks apart. I was the smallest by far.

I think I wouldn't be having such an issue, but my friends and family are asking for pics of my growing baby bump and all I've got to show right now is baby plump. Sigh! :-( 

Taken 2 weeks ago when I performed at the House of Blues- San Diego,CA

***So fyi I'm in a contest for the 25 Top Mom Blogs of NY- I would SO appreciate your vote ONLY a 10 days left. You don't have to give any personal info just click the button: http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012