Green Eyed Monster Monday

For every time I've said, "I don't give a s#!t" - I take it back now. Don't worry Y'all, I'm not having some internal spiritual transformation due to my impending motherhood status that is making me re-evaluate my stance on cursing OR the apathy I have toward over-dramatic people's BS. I'm still good in those areas and have no issue doing either. By nature I'm not a potty mouth so I think I'm okay with the amount I have to contribute to my mental swear jar. Plus, I'm in my 30's which means it's time to cut the "crazy maker's" from my life anyway. (Artist's Way- anyone?)

I currently regret saying, "I don't give a s#!t" on a very literal level right now because I would give just about anything to have one- take one, make one etc... Which is why this very special Green Eyed Monster Monday is brought to you by the letters "F" and "U" cause right now I am SO jealous of my husband and dog I could curse.  I love them dearly, but it seems just like with falling asleep for them these creatures that I adore can do it like clockwork. WTF?! 

Now, I've glazed over this topic a little in my post "All Stopped Up and No Way to Go" and I even dedicated a different Green Eyed Monster Monday to them on this very subject, but that was a couple months ago back when I still thought it was a little funny. It's NOT funny anymore. Now, I'm pissed. Every time CJ or Lealah relieve themselves I get more angry. 

Because that's what being constipated does. It makes you MEAN! Which makes me question with all seriousness a good number of senior citizens' and Rush Limbaugh's regularity.

I wish I was kidding, but a couple of weeks ago when my darling husband was taking one of his marathon craps I lost it. (And by the way how do guys spend half an hour + in the bathroom for that?! Even when I could go with no issue I'm in an out in 5 minutes max. I remember as a kid my father doing the same thing. What are they doing in there? Solving world peace?)

Seriously is it a testosterone thing or do women just think, "I've got too much shit to do (pun intended) other than sitting here on the pot for half the day.") Anywho, CJ's in the bathroom, doing his business, minding his business and as I walked by I just said, "I hate you!" It just rolled off my tongue, like I was saying, "Good morning" or "How are you today?" I don't know what happened, but I couldn't help it. He heard me say something but couldn't discern my contempt so I played it off saying something like, "I found you!" Y'all that is not the woman he married! Deep breaths.

I realize this is part of the process and I've just got to roll, but if this is "our" pregnancy shouldn't we be sharing in all the fun?!

I Want to Here From You! Re: S#!T You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

Since getting such a great response to both my blog entry "S#!T You Should Never Say to Your Pregnant Wife" on this site and my equally arousing and (I'd like to believe) amusing article "S#!T You Should Never Say to Your Pregnant Wife" on the Huffington Post. I've decided to branch out a little more and write a funny book on the topic, but I'll be make it a bit broader to include what people including, but not limited to significant others say to pregnant women- when pleading the Fifth would have been a better bet.

My husband, CJ, who is the love of my life, has had a few loose lipped faux pas moments since my pregnancy began. His latest being when he looked at my boobs which were not in a bra and said, "Wow, you certainly wouldn't pass the pencil test now". (i.e. the test where you place a pencil under your boobs and if it stays you #fail). 

So Instead of killing him and having our child born in prison I decided to channel my wrath into something creative and make a funny collection of my experiences and those of other pregnant women willing to share.

So if you'd like to I'm dying to know what is the dumbest or most thoughtless thing someone has said to you while you were/are pregnant? From your significant other to a family member or even a complete stranger. I know I'm not alone- would love to hear your experiences too.

Feel free to leave your responses here along with you name and where you live unless you'd like to remain anonymous. Or you can e-mail me privately at nospam@karith.com 

Thanks so much,

~Karith

No Baby On Board Here!

Now, before anyone gets alarmed. Everything's fine. The title for this blog is not me alluding to anything being wrong with the pregnancy or baby. So everyone can relax. I'm kind of poking fun at that suction cupped placard that people used to put in their car windows to ward off aggressive drivers. 

Remember how it was all the rage in the 90's? I still think it caused more eye rolls than anything (from me at least). It was like, duh, you're in a minivan and you've got a Teletubbies sunshade- you'd better have a baby on board. Otherwise you're a stoner or just creepy. 

If anything I will probably have a sunshade but I will not be sharing what's "on board" because as of right now I may not even let my kid in my car. I'm serious! Y'all, it's awful! I am currently suffering from "New Car-itis." It's caught me totally off guard as this is something I've never experienced before because never in my entire 30+ years on this earth have I had a new car. In fact, I've never owned a car that was "born" in the same decade I was living in- so I am overdue.  I think that's also why this is SO huge for me and I'm having such extreme symptoms of "New Car-itis". I knew it would feel and smell good, but what I didn't know was that some of the side effects of having a new car include but are not limited to: 

• Being paranoid when someone parks too close to you.  

•  Parking far away from people with crappy cars who you know don't care how hard and wide they open their doors.

• Not wanting any food or beverage (opened or not) in your vehicle. That counts double for aromatic foods that will taint your "new car" smell. 
• Not wanting anyone else but you to drive it- including your husband who's helping to pay for it. 
• And lastly you don't want anyone and I mean ANYONE messy in it.

The last one is an issue, because we essentially just bought this car for the baby. Here's the problem- I just had the realization last night that don't want my baby or any baby for that matter in my new car! Babies are messy, they throw up, they poop and pee all over, and due to their very limited manual dexterity they spill stuff. So without question this child- who is already in line to be one of the loves of my life is going to ruin my 1st ever brand new car! What a conundrum I'm in.

I'm not saying what I'm feeling is "right", but it's honest- that's what I do on this blog. I also realize that I've got several more months to enjoy having this car to myself. I'm sure by the time the "Baby Bean" comes, I'll be ready just to have him or her in the world and I'll give a rat's ass about the car. At least I'm praying that will be the case. Or I can go all "Mitt Romney" and strap the little sucker to the top of my car. Kidding! I'm totally kidding!!!

WARNING- Pregnant Women Should Avoid the Following...

As a pregnant woman, the last thing I want to do is scare anyone. My goal is to give you a giggle and share beneficial information with those who are currently or will soon be in my shoes. I know Ladies and I feel your pain- it seems like there are SO many restrictions and rules regarding things pregnant women should avoid in this day and age to maintain the health and safety of our unborn babies. At the top of that list is smoking and drinking of excessive amounts of alcohol.

Those are just on "Duhs" on the common sense scale. But then there are things that if you weren't told you might not know like avoiding too much caffeine, raw/runny eggs and unpasteurized soft cheeses- the last one was disappointing surprise for me as all I've been craving is brie. (See my blog Food Porn- for more yummy no-no's). 

There are also certain physical activities that pregnant women should avoid. I'd like to think extreme sports like Parkour, kick boxing and super intense aerobic activities, skydiving, bungee jumping etc are obvious DO NOT ATTEMPT while preggers type of activities. Sometimes people need reminder signs like on amusement park rides or Imax movies (no kidding I've seen signs for that!)

But there's one thing no one told me to avoid while pregnant and I don't really have anyone to blame 'cause it just never came up. But if you can, at ALL costs avoid buying a new car while you're with child. As if the stress of having a baby growing inside of you isn't enough- you're now opening yourself up to a whole new world of stress, anxiety and lost sleep. 

It's a nightmare from the comparison shopping that you do on-line first (if you're smart), then in person. Of course you have to do the test drives to see how well you think the car handles and if both you and your 6'4 husband fit well. Does it sound like I'm bitching? Good! 'Cause I am. And don't get me started on the salesmen whose job it is to essentially lie and schmooze you into a car so that they can take home a paycheck. Right now there are now about one hundred other things I'd like my child to grow up to be before a car salesman. At this point I'd say that telemarketer and drummer in a grunge band are higher on the list. I'm completely serious.  


P.S. If you like this and other of my blog entries please vote for me as I've been nominated for a Top 25 Mom Blog of NY. You can vote everyday for the next 13 days here: 

 http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012 

Ah, The Joys of Little Boys

Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails- that's what I was told little boys were made of...and girls are supposed to be made of sugar and spice and everything nice, right? While I don't believe that applies to all boys or all girls, it was enough to warrant my leaning toward wanting daughters- ONLY daughters for the majority of my life. It didn't help that my younger brother who I adored as a baby (and love very much now) broke and destroyed all of my favorite things and toys when he became mobile. That was enough put me on the fast track for "Team Pink." 

But over the past few months since I finding out I was pregnant I've truly become okay with the idea of having a son. The reality is that it's going to be one or the other. Either way it's your child and you will love it. My husband, CJ, really wants a boy, at least for our first child, then he's open to whatever. The idea has gained more popularity with me as the weeks have progressed and it seemed like every dream I've had about the baby suggests it is going to be a boy. 

However, as of this weekend I'm having second thoughts as to whether or not I can do "the boy thing".  Saturday night we went to our friends house for dinner. A ridiculously fun and attractive couple and their two little boys who are six and three years old. CJ, refers to the younger as a "Putin sleeper cell" because the mother is a stunning Russian woman and the baby one time removed 80-90% of the keys from my husbands laptop in like 90 seconds flat.

I will say this though, for high energy young boys they were incredibly well-behaved, they played without making a raucous and they weren't overly rambunctious. They even sat at the dinner table with all the adults and didn't act up. I was quite impressed- that is until bath time. The boys were upstairs by themselves for maybe 5 minutes while we were getting ready for dessert. When out of no where the baby (okay he's 3 but you know what I mean) starts screaming bloody murder. At first he was shrieking so intensely I thought he was laughing, but his mother assured me (as all mothers know their kid's cry) he was upset. So the husband went upstairs to see what happened. He was gone for about 5 minutes and came back down with this ridiculous grin on his face.

Apparently while taking their bath the older one thought it was too much trouble to remove himself from the tub to use the toilet so he stood up and peed right in the tub. In doing so, accidentally or not (we don't have proof, but we did get an admission), he hit his younger brother on the shoulder with the stream; and while he found it amusing the baby understandably did not. (Can you blame him?)

The mother of the children asked if her husband made it clear to both sons that that was not okay behavior. I nodded in agreement. And the husbands- mine included, for the next few minutes made jokes about knowing that at least the kid wasn't going to be into golden showers. Men are so mature sometimes.

I didn't have anything to say as it wasn't my kid(s) but I did turn to my husband and said, "See, this would never happen with girls!"

Insonmia- Why Am I Your B*tch?

Dear Insomnia,

(readers fyi: I'm addressing the condition, not the woman behind me in Wal-Mart yesterday with the power nails yelling at her daughter Dementia and Placenta to stop fighting.) 

Seriously, don't you have other people to pick on? Like folks who went out on an all night drinking binge and need to be taught a lesson? Or better yet, someone with the flu? Not that I wish them more misery, but I KNOW they were planning on spending the next 24 hours in bed anyway. Insomia, I am attempting to be a productive human being while growing another human being inside of me. I'm not suggesting I deserve special treatment because of my condition, but you should cut me some slack. Because I've got ALOT going on in my head right now and I really really do need my rest.  

Maybe you find it amusing to watch me toss and turn, have hot flashes then bouts of cold. Is it fun to watch my husband get so annoyed with me because he's so ready to sleep he has to go to another bedroom to keep his annoyingly regular appointment with Mr. Sandman? Oh, wait! I get it! This isn't about me at all. You and The Sandman had a falling out so you're messing with his clients. While I'm so sorry this happened I don't think it has anything to do with me. So Girlfriend, you need to a) get a grip and b) let me get my sleep back on.  'Cause I will talk about you. I know you don't want a worse reputation that you already have. You're already attached to that horrible new phenomena that's rumored to making be people act like zombies and cannibals- "bath salts". 

I should clarify that I'm referring to the street drug not the awesome stuff you actually use in a bath tub which has the opposite affect of promoting sleep, calm and well-being.

 Reports are saying after taking the drug bath salts you not only lose you're mind, but become so much of a mess you're up for 7- 8 days straight.



This does NOT reflect well on you Insomnia. While I'm no where close to committing such a violent or absurd crime. I'm getting nasty and you wouldn't like me when I'm nasty. Imagine Star Jones, hungry even after the bypass surgery and having to figure out spinning her divorce from the dude everyone apparently new was gay but her. Yeah, I'm heading toward that kind of pissed.

So let's make nice. If you cut me a break the next time I see Mr. Sandman I'll put in a good word for you and maybe y'all can work out whatever tiff/ rivalry thing you got going.


Sincerely hoping for some ZZZZZZ's tonight,
~Karith

Am I A Terrible Mother Already?

I'm really hoping the answer is no, but I've already done something that's making me have my doubts. This past Tuesday I was supposed to have my second major ultrasound- the one that my husband CJ has been anticipating for weeks.

Because this is the ultrasound that will reveal (if the baby's legs aren't crossed) what team we're on. Meaning, as the mommy websites put it: Team Pink or Team Blue. I think I've made it clear that I could be quite content being on Team Green and Yellow until the baby makes it's entree into the world. So in lieu of going to the doctor to get this information and make sure everything else was in order with the baby I cancelled the appointment for my career.(Insert stabbing pains of guilt here.)

It was all about logistics. My appointment was supposed to take place in the late afternoon but at the same exact time I had to be nearly 45 minutes away in another part of Los Angeles for two radio interviews and an audition at a prime LA comedy club. I could have done the radio stuff via Skype but it's always so much better in person. I did end up doing the second radio spot via phone because it coincided with the Laugh Factory for the audition. Now, I've already performed at the Laugh Factory in LA several on several occasions; I've even headlined the Long Beach Laugh Factory, but I'm not a "regular" yet at the Hollywood location. So to be "official" Jamie Masada- the owner/manager has to "pass" you. 

Getting "passed" in the stand-up comedy world means you get cleared to work that room for paid spots as well as getting hired to work any of the other venues they have. This has BIG potential- not just for money, but exposure. Same thing with the radio shows- great exposure. In fact you can hear me and CJ during our interview with Jade and Tarsha from The Knu on their show "The Shift" which broadcasts on GBV radio and on my girlfriend Mary Kennedy's show "Oh Mary!" on LA Talk Radio. 

So it was because I had this cluster of a media blitz that I postponed my appointment for a week. It's not like anything really changed with the baby besides it's gotten bigger right? I've been feeling great- no pain or abnormal symptoms that I needed checked out so no harm no foul...right? So am I a terrible mother or just a dedicated comedian? I'm really hoping it's the latter. I mean it's not like I left my kid in the car while I drunkenly went in to a tattoo parlor at 4 in the morning. Um, sadly yes, that really just happened. I'm pretty sure I definitely trump her!