Night Sweats... doesn't that sound
like the title of a XX soft core porn movie you'd see at 2am on Skinemax, I mean Cinemax- where they show a couple getting busy but the only nudity you get to see are boobs & bums. Sadly, or shall I say, fortunately- that is not the topic of this blog entry. Nights Sweats are a real thing affecting thousands of pregnant women across America- now also including moi! It's when you wake up in the middle of the night burning up- like some mischievous gremlin sneaked into your house and secretly turned up the thermostat to a whopping 98 degrees while you were sleeping.
Remember what it feels like when you've been sick for a few days but miraculously in the middle of the night your fever peaks then breaks and you wake up with damp pajamas and sheets and a drenched pillow. That's what being pregnant at night is like sans the flu and great Nyquil buzz, but all the lucidity.
I know, I know I'm making this whole pregnancy thing sound oh so glamorous. Forget 16 & Pregnant on MTV just let young girls read my blog they'll NEVER "do it" again without protection.
I hope I'm not sounding too maudlin about this pregnancy, I'm really thrilled, but it is a trip so far. So let me leave you with some comic relief- as I am a comedian it is my calling and duty to provide some humor on here. Below is a collection of "Sweatin' Lines" that comedians in my position (or let's just say me) could use on stage to describe their night sweats.
Man last night I was sweatin' like Michael Jackson at a Chuck E. Cheese. (Admittedly funnier if he wasn't wearing his sequenced glove in the sky.)
Last night I was sweatin' like Donald Trump in a blind barber's chair.
Last night I was sweatin' like Martha Stewart in a hoarder's house.
Last night I was sweatin' like Keith Sweat- after his concert. (Too obvious?)
Last night I was sweatin' like a nun at Mardi Gras who REALLY likes beads.
Last night I was sweatin' like Marcus Bachmann (Michele's husband) at a Thunder from Down Under all-male review show in Las Vegas.
Last night I was sweatin' like Star Jones at a maintenance meeting for people who lost weight naturally.
Last night I was sweatin' like Rick Santorum @ an all-Black gay bar.
Last night I was sweatin' like Charlie Sheen-...anywhere.
