Welcome to my weekly installment of "Green-eyed Monster Mondays: Who I'm Jealous of Today & Why?" Today's winner is any woman who posts on any mother-to-be site that bemoans how much weight she’s lost in the first trimester. I'm sure this is a little scary if you're starting out as a size zero- you can't afford to go into negative numbers. I will do my best to have sympathy for you- as the only time in my life I was tall and skinny was when I was born (I weighed in at 5lbs 15oz and 19 inches long- not to brag) As a feminist who loves and supports all of my sisters gay, straight, bi, single, married, widowed you name it- I just want to say “Bitch(es) please!”. This has nothing to do with the fact that I've struggled with my weight my entire life, it has to do with the fact that while I too had an extreme case of morning sickness. I didn't lose an ounce. As a matter of fact I gained weight. I'll be generous with my guessing, but I'd say about 10 -12 lbs. Not so much that I've had to buy new clothes including maternity wear, but enough that I now fit comfortably again in my "fat clothes" i.e. big 10's and a few size 12's- the clothes that I wore before my 90 day fast of no sugar, no wheat, no dairy, no gluten, no alcohol. When I did that I lost about 30lbs and about 22 inches collectively from my body. I was so proud and now thanks to non-stop nausea I have gained a good amount of that back.
Because unlike my pregnant "frenemies" who have their faces in the toilet a few times a day I can only consume crackers, ginger ale, bread and all-things carb to help the waves of nausea subside. Again, I stress that I'm not saying their morning sickness wasn't awful but at least you got something out of it- a) maybe some relief for a little bit after you called out to the porcelain gods and b) you could get into your skinny jeans. I think what is bugging me most is that I'm having flashbacks to those women in college and when I worked an office day job who were the size of a barbie doll (in real life) and they would talk smack, saying things like, "I just don't know what's wrong with me?! I eat and eat- whatever I want and I just can't seem to keep weight on." Well, unless you have a 26 foot tape worm in your intestine you have NO sympathy from me. NONE! Same goes for if you have a 2.5 ounce 4 inch fetus.