Sunday, April 15, 2012

Night Sweats

Night Sweats... doesn't that sound like the title of a XX soft core porn movie you'd see at 2am on Skinemax, I mean Cinemax- where they show a couple getting busy but the only nudity you get to see are boobs & bums. Sadly, or shall I say, fortunately- that is not the topic of this blog entry. Nights Sweats are a real thing affecting thousands of pregnant women across America- now also including moi! It's when you wake up in the middle of the night burning up- like some mischievous gremlin sneaked into your house and secretly turned up the thermostat to a whopping 98 degrees while you were sleeping. 

Remember what it feels like when you've been sick for a few days but miraculously in the middle of the night your fever peaks then breaks and you wake up with damp pajamas and sheets and a drenched pillow. That's what being pregnant at night is like sans the flu and great Nyquil buzz, but all the lucidity.

 I know, I know I'm making this whole pregnancy thing sound oh so glamorous. Forget 16 & Pregnant on MTV just let young girls read my blog they'll NEVER "do it" again without protection. 

I hope I'm not sounding too maudlin about this pregnancy, I'm really thrilled, but it is a trip so far. So let me leave you with some comic relief- as I am a comedian it is my calling and duty to provide some humor on here. Below is a collection of "Sweatin' Lines" that comedians in my position (or let's just say me) could use on stage to describe their night sweats.

Man last night I was sweatin' like Michael Jackson at a Chuck E. Cheese. (Admittedly funnier if he wasn't wearing his sequenced glove in the sky.)

Last night I was sweatin' like Donald Trump in a blind barber's chair.

Last night I was sweatin' like Martha Stewart in a hoarder's house.
Last night I was sweatin' like Keith Sweat- after his concert. (Too obvious?)
Last night I was sweatin' like a nun at Mardi Gras who REALLY likes beads.
Last night I was sweatin' like Marcus Bachmann (Michele's husband) at a Thunder from Down Under all-male review show in Las Vegas.  
 Last night I was sweatin' like Star Jones at a maintenance meeting for people who lost weight naturally.
Last night I was sweatin' like Rick Santorum @ an all-Black gay bar.
Last night I was sweatin' like Charlie Sheen-...anywhere.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Sweetie, the night sweat will come and go. Enjoy the time you have left to sleep on your tummy. (if you are a tummy sleeper) Enjoy the food, carvings and new found likes and dislikes, drink PLENTY of water! I can not stress that enough..DRINK PLENTY OF WATER, and that goes for after the birth too. Exercise. you will be very happy you did. Before and after. Bottom line, enjoy the moment. This is your moment, and enjoy it.