Where Is My Bump, My Bump My Lovely Lady Lump???

Sorry if you’ve got that Fergilicious song in your head now- if it’s any consolation it’s in mine too. What I can't believe is that I'm writing about this so far into my pregnancy. I'm officially 28 weeks and I still don't really "look" pregnant. I know I've written about this before, but that was several weeks ago when in my mind it was still okay to be in “prego-limbo land”. But now when all of the mommy websites I go to talk about my protruding belly and my whacked out belly button I just look in the mirror and sigh.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve gotten bigger- no question, but I don’t have that cute little baby bump. I just look like I really like bread. Or as my darling husband CJ has said, that I‘ve been frequenting the buffet a little too often. (He’s a charmer!)

I suppose the good news is that I’ve not really had to buy “maternity clothes.” Sure, I’ve picked up a few looser fitting things at the GAP outlet- some sleeveless tops and a couple of long skirts and I purchased bras a cup and size bigger. But my clothes from when I was heavier a couple of years ago are fitting perfectly.

It’s just odd now being this far along and still having to TELL people I’m pregnant. In the beginning it was kind of fun and cool, but the novelty has worn off. Now I feel like people are like, “That girl’s just a chubster- who is she kidding?” I suppose I could take it as a compliment. When I tell most people how far along I am their response is usually, “Wow- you don’t look like it.” And that makes the worry wart in me come out and I start thinking “Is my baby too small, what the heck’s going on?!”

So deep breaths, I’m gonna chill and I will just relish this time when I can still wear my seatbelt comfortably.

"Do You Have Sharp Pains In Your Vagina Yet?"

That is the question most asked to me by several friends in the past 48 hours. My first response was, "Um, WHAT?!!" Then when I asked them to repeat the question to be sure I wasn't hearing things I said, "Why was I not told of this earlier?"...Well that answer is simple. If women knew EXACTLY what the physical side effects of being pregnant was the Earth's population would have ceased to exist centuries ago and none of us would be here- I wouldn't be writing this blog and you sure as sugar wouldn't be reading it. My last question on this topic is, "Is there a strong enough Midol prescription to cope with this?!"

If like with prescription drugs someone was to seriously list what actually happens to you when you get knocked up it would read something like: 

Getting pregnant may lead to swelling- not just of your belly, but your feet, hands, fingers and toes. Other side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, constipation, not fitting into your favorite clothes, crying for absolutely no reason whatsoever, unbelievable heartburn, insomnia, anxiety, feelings of "what the fuck am I going to do-ness",  backpain, sciatica, and lastly shooting pains in your vagina!

To be honest I'm not sure if knowing this ahead of time would have prevented me or millions of others from diving head first into motherhood. I mean this is something I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. But I would have definitely had some second thoughts. I've got a decent tolerance for pain, but there are some places you'd rather not hurt- am I right ladies?

So far the shooting pain in my Garden of Eden has not happened yet, but now that I know about it I'm waiting. Just like when you find out from a friend that a character in a book dies- you're wincing with every page turn when it starts to get ominous.

Let's all just keep a positive attitude that even if/when the pain does occur it passes quickly. And it's not something I remember again until I get to tell a newly pregnant friend to be forewarned. 

***So fyi I'm in a contest for the 25 Top Mom Blogs of NY- I would SO appreciate your vote ONLY a 10 days left. You don't have to give any personal info just click the button: http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012

"Didja Pee A Little?"

I wish I could say that was a cute little camp song that I can't get out of my head now that summer is upon us. But alas, it is not. It is what my husband, CJ, says to me not once, not twice, but countless times a day. What makes it all the more tragic is that when I say "yes" he laughs- lovingly and I hope sympathetically, but he still gets a giggle from it.

That is because in conjunction with summer comes hay fever which translates into LOTS of sneezing for me. And now thanks to whatever powers that be, I pee myself a little -- about 90% of the time I sneeze. 

 
Fortunately it's not noticable, I mean I don't look like poor Fergie during a Black Eyed Pea concert or anything, but I KNOW what just happened and that's enough.

You have no idea how I wish this was just a bit for my comedy act, but it's freakin' true. It's also another thing my loving "already-mommy" friends neglected to share with me. Sure they told me that AFTER the baby is born things "down stairs" won't be the exact same as they were PB (pre-baby), but NO ONE told me this s#!t was going to start before the kid popped out.

I literally now carry a spare change of panties in my purse- just in case. Before this was something I did only when traveling just in case my luggage was lost. (BTW that's an awesome tip for anyone who has ever to check luggage. It's also wise to carry-on an extra bra too- 'cause you never know when the airlines are going to F- it up. Just like peeing yourself it happens when you least expect it!)

Now, I look at ads for products like Poise that Whoopi Goldberg does and I'm like, "Um, Jessica Simpson or Tori Spelling should really be one of their spokesmodels- that would be just as realistic and it wouldn't make women like me who aren't menopausal yet feel bad. And I do feel bad- I feel like I should be able to control it, but I can't. I dread sneezing, but I can't hold them in especially when it's triggered by allergies.

Yes, it's TRUE Brook Burke and I now have something in common

The ONLY thing that does make me feel better is knowing that women who look amazing, have had tons of kids and seem to have it all- like say Brooke Burke- every time she coughs uncontrollably, laughs too hard or screams "Ah-choo" she has without a doubt peed herself a little too.

I'll be honest that definitely helps me sleep at night.

INS = Itchy Nipple Syndrome

That's right, the INS I'm referring to in the title of this e-mail stands for something entirely different NOW! And it has NOTHING to do with immigration or legalities or insurance, but rather with one of our most precious assets Ladies, well, technically two of our most precious assets.

I'm talking about "The Girls". The tah-tahs, Laverne & Shirley, Thelma & Louise, or as I like to call them my Preciouses. This blog entry isn't about them per se but more about what happens to them when one gets pregnant. Sure they grow and expand- that's to be expected, but what caught me off guard was that they were going to itch like hell. Itchy Nipple Syndrome- the new INS- is serious and it affects more women than we know. Part of what has me up in arms about INS is that NO ONE, not ONE single friend mentioned this might be a side affect of getting knocked-up. Which leads me to my next issue which is that no one has dared to suggest or offer a cure.

I think it's almost cruel that we are letting our sisters down about this. And I'm kinda pissed off that I had to hear about a way to remedy this symptom not just from a man, but two men. And not just two men, but two male comedians on none other than the Blue Collar Radio network on Sirius/XM. I don't recall who one of them was but the other is my dear friend Larry The Cable Guy. In both their acts they referenced using cabbage leaves to help with this uncomfortable and annoying condition. I was shocked! Shocked! But I'm willing to try it. 

My Darling husband, CJ (Bless his heart) suggested that it may in fact just be propaganda from the cabbage farmers to get women to buy more cabbage. Yes, sadly I did dignify his theory with a response. I said, "So you think it's like the dairy farmers and industry who try to convince the general public that milk give you more calcium than other foods and helps you build stronger bones?" CJ said, "Yes, exactly!" (Head shaking). 

All I know is next Tuesday guess who's going to the local farmers market and coming home with a head of cabbage. The only thing is I don't know whether to get the red or green kind. A smart woman would get both and just use the left over for cold slaw. Right?

***So fyi I'm in a contest for the 25 Top Mom Blogs of NY- I would SO appreciate your vote ONLY a 10 days left. You don't have to give any personal info just click the button: http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012?trk=t25_Top-25-New-York-Moms-2012

Thanks for the love and support!