Friday, February 8, 2013

3 Questions I Would Ask My Baby IF She Could Answer Now.

I know that my child will be talking soon enough and if she's anything like me, which looks like it's going to be the case then she'll never shut up. (My husband CJ is completely thrilled by that prospect.) Even if she could talk right now I don't know if she'd be able to coherently answer the questions I have, but I sure as heck would give it a shot.

My first question would fall under the "morning routine" genre. And this is how the conversation would go or at least this is how it goes in my head:

"Baby Bean why in the world do you wake up EVERY SINGLE morning between 4:30 and 5:30 a.m.? Are you going camping? Fishing? Do you have a paper route that I should be aware of? Seriously WTF? I love you and I don't mind getting up to change your diaper, but EVERY morning? You do realize Mommy is a comedian and used to working at night so this morning thing is killing me. But because you smile as soon as I look into your eyes and say 'Good Morning Baby,' I smile and I forget for a few moments how completely sleep deprived I am."

Question number 2: How do you poop UP? Seriously, I've seen some gravity defying shit in my life, but this literally takes the cake. I don't know how you do it, but you could put David Copperfield, Cris Angel and David Blaine to shame. Are you perhaps working with NASA scientists on the side? If not you should be. I'm sure they too would like in on the way you and your poohing capabilities defy the laws of physics.

Lastly:  How is it you're a perfect angel when we're out in public. I can take you to any restaurant or event. You're  a rockstar baby on airplanes. You've won two consective "Best Baby On Board" Awards. So how is it that the times you choose to lose your mind and have a complete meltdown is when I'm on the phone on an important call?! I seriously don't get it- do you know that's your cue to act a fool? Or does Mommy's voice change and it bothers you?  I'm just curious.

I'd love an answer to any and all of these questions but alas I know none is forthcoming and I'm just going to have to chalk it up to it being a "Baby thing" and I just wouldn't understand.   

But just so you know- I love you unconditionally regardless.

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